A welcome turn

Stepped into the same ER as we did 5 months ago. Got brought back just as quickly as before when the triage nurse saw his level of pain. Had the same ER doctor come in to the room. And as she stepped in she stopped. I’ve treated you before, haven’t I? He looked and said yes, that she was the one who found his cancer. She asked prognosis, current symptoms, and immediately put in orders for pain meds and a CT. I saw the same concern on her face as the last time when she ordered pain meds and a CT. Last time for his colon where she found multiple large masses, this time for his head where he was having the severe pain. It was all so similar, and so frightening.

I vividly remember 5 months ago, sitting in the chair next to hubby’s ER bed while they hook up his IV. Waiting in that chair while they take him for scans. And finally seeing the doctor return with results, closing the door I didn’t know the room had before closing the curtain usually used as a door and turning to us to explain what she found. That time led to a week at the hospital, a cancer diagnosis, explanation of stage 4, massive surgery, and a rollercoaster of pain and emotion that we still face.

Today I sat in that chair next to hubby’s ER bed while they hooked up his IV. Waited in that chair while the took him for scans. And then sat there anxiously staring at the door you wouldn’t know is there unless you’ve seen them use it. Desperately wishing it to remain open. I couldn’t handle going down this road again so soon. Even if I could handle it, I don’t know if he can. His mind is breaking.

Last time we sat through unspoken fear of colon cancer, this time the unspoken fear of it spreading to the brain. The doctor came back but the door remained open. Scans are clean, labs look great (considering). But she still admitted him. She wants another doctor to take a look, and beyond that just to give his body a rest. She is promising pain meds, anti nausea meds, and anti anxiety meds. And as the first batch went in his IV I slowly saw him sink into a gentle sleep. He is calm and resting, his pain managed, and when last I left his room he was keeping down what he has decided is the most delicious cranberry juice. The first thing he’s kept down in days.

It’s likely that the symptoms are just from the chemo, but it hit so hard and wasn’t letting up that we needed to get him in. What has me most concerned is the occasional moments of confusion or lapses in memory. It’s not normal for him, and started before these other symptoms. So they’re looking into it. I’m relieved that the brain scans are clean, and that he will be able to rest pain free even if just for tonight. This trip to the hospital had a much better turn out then last time. But I feel it will continue to loom over us every time we have these ups and downs. But right now I will sleep easy knowing he is safe. And tomorrow I will hopefully be able to take him home.

I’m back… kind of

Sorry for my sudden disappearance. Life went a little crazy all of a sudden. And by “a little crazy” I mean we moved, I started a new job, and my husband was diagnosed with cancer all within the span of a week. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to focus and keep things moving. So I plan to get back to posting on a semi regular basis, but things will be a bit slow.

The flu does not help my mental state

Can’t keep anything down, including my mood stabilizer and anti depressant. So not only did I spend all weekend sick, I spent it crazy. Between lack of meds, lack of fluids, and constant stomach and head pain I nearly had a mental break down. Luckily it’s starting to pass, but the flu really is not nice to mental illness. And I’m going back to sleep now. 😷🤧😴

Counting down

As others have been counting down the days, hours, minutes until New Years, I have been counting down to my next therapy appointment. I’ve spent the last 2 years working my ass off to be stable, or at least to pretend I am with some amount of calm under the surface. A few months ago everything took a nose dive. Life said “fuck you!” and everything went nuts. It’s enough to add great deals of stress to the normally stable people, so you can only imagine what it’s doing to me. The biggest problem right now is that the issues are as time consuming as they are stressful. Which means that during this time of my needing the safe space of my therapists office more than anything, I haven’t been able to keep a single appointment. Every time I have scheduled one something has gone crazy that required my time and I had to reschedule.

I go on Tuesday. So far nothing has come up that can’t be handled without me or wait another day. I only need to make it until Tuesday. People have been asking me what my New Years resolution is. As I smile and make some non committal answer to move the conversation off of me, my brain screams in response “survive!” I want to survive. I want to survive this time both mentally and physically. I want to come out of this with a limited amount of new scars, no trips to the hospital, and nights with sleep. Even if that sleep is restless and filled with nightmares, at least it is a night safely asleep and not awake and lost in dangerous thoughts of “my family is better off without me” as I sit alone in the dark.

Two years ago I don’t know that I would have made it through. I have come a long way, and my ability to see that reminds me why I fight. Why I force myself to get treatment for my illness. Why I can keep getting up, even when I fall. So I will cling to this hope that snuck its way into my depression and follow it to my therapy appointment. Almost there. Just a couple more days. My countdown continues and with each day marked off brings more hope.

Happy New Year Y’All… cheers to us, and to therapy. May we all be blessed with many good and non-canceled therapy sessions this year.

Because science

So the kids are back in school, and are learning to share faster than learning to properly wash their hands and cover their mouth. So the whole family’s been sick and it is currently my turn. After a full day of work, a conference call for a new project, and a trip to the psych, I’m at home and exhausted.

I decided to drink some coffee to perk me up and get stuff done, but my nose and ears wanted to be jerks. So I took cold medicine with the coffee, because drowsy + caffeine = ???

So basically I’m a mad scientist experimenting with chemicals. Ok that sounds bad. At this point it’s probably best I lie down and see if I’m capable of falling asleep. Who knows, maybe I’ll be highly productive in my dreams. That could be a fun change.

By a robber in the woods

A very dear friend of mine attempted suicide this weekend. She survived and is safe in a psychiatric hospital right now. But I spoke with her today and she still seems overcome by the depression and the sorrow she faces. I looked briefly through photos of us over the past few months and can see, now with clarity, the smile on her face and the sorrow in her eyes.

I am in hermit mode while I safely heal my own broken heart as she exhaustedly fights for hers. I await to see the success of her fight because I cannot bear it to think she may lose. She is strong, though she doesn't see it. She is brave, though she sees only her fear. I will see the truth of her on her behalf while she navigates the dark woods of her depression.

I do not claim to be religious but have studied numerous scholars of numerous religions. One of the things that has always stuck with me was the idea by Martin Luther in the 16th Century that suicide did not mean that the soul was damned. That having your life taken by the despair the devil attacks you with is no different than being murdered by a robber in the woods. I believe that to be true.

My friend was attacked by a robber in the woods. She survived but continues to fight through these horrifying woods of her mind. I hope she receives the guidance she needs to make it out. Whether through a god, a therapist, a friend, or a family member. I want her to come safely out, back into the sunshine that will heal her.

I shouldn’t be on Google

My husband had some abnormalities in some recent blood tests. The doctor has shown concern and is requesting a number of other tests, x-rays, and sending him to a specialist for further analysis. We both hang on to this unspoken fear of what will be discovered. We both have tried not to jump to conclusions. But it’s hard. When the symptoms and test results and future scheduled tests match descriptions of what happens when diagnosing some very serious illnesses, it’s hard not to google search for answers. To see if there are other less serious concerns, to see how frightened we should be.

Neither of us speak of our fears. We put no labels to the potential diagnosis we see. We continue on with life as normal, trying to put the concern and stress aside until the Doctor says more. I wish the tests would be done and we would have answers. I’m tired of the brave face needed while constantly assuring my husband “don’t worry, they’re just ruling stuff out.” But for now I wait. And try to stop myself from google search symptoms and tests. I doesn’t do any good, so I need to patiently wait for the doctor to speak.

Mindful Dreaming – You got it backwards stupid brain

For the last 7 years I’ve gotten random episodes of sleep paralysis. What typically happens is I wake up too suddenly and am caught halfway between dream and reality. I lie there unable to move or speak, feeling like I’m weighted down into the mattress. It scares the shit out of my husband when I describe it as he is a believer in Old Hag Syndrome. I personally don’t believe in the Old Hag because brains are jerks. So I have no doubt numerous people’s brains would pull a Hag out of childhood horror stories and use her to scare you more when your already trapped. I probably never see her cause I’m more scared of being trapped with my brain than with a Hag trying to kill me. That probably sounds crazy, but let’s face it if you wanted sane you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog lol.

Anyhoo, sleep paralysis doesn’t bother me. I just find something that I am certain is reality rather than dream and focus on it fully until my brain and body connect and I can move again. So yesterday I was taking a nap on the couch (I’m sick btw) and in my dream my husband was asking for something. He said “Babe? Did you find it?” and then I woke up with sleep paralysis and heard him call out “Babe?” So I focused on a picture on the wall, got my body awake, and walked into the room. “Did you call me?” “No”. Great, his voice outside of the dream was still part of the dream. Argh! Got up for nothing!

For the most part this was nothing overly different than any other time this has happened, except for one fact. It only took a minute for me to wake up my body. On average it takes 5-15 minutes to pull myself out of the paralysis. The last time I had this happen while sick I got trapped in this state for almost 2 hours. So to pull myself out so extremely fast was wonderful!

There could be a variety of reasons for this, but I have a feeling that my attempts at lucid dreaming have something to do with it. I am working to be so actively aware of my surroundings in an effort to distinguish between dream and wake. So my brain was likely better to focus easier to pull me out. So while my brain got it backwards bringing dream into reality instead of reality into dream, I still think it’s a step in the right direction. What do you think? Also, do you agree with me or hubby about the Old Hag?


If we were having…

If we were having coffee you would be moving away slowly to steer clear of my germs, and I would be thanking my husband with all my heart for going out to get me coffee while I lay on the couch dizzy and exhausted.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that despite a stressful week, and getting sick on top of it, I am feeling pretty good. Primarily because I’m responding to real stress like a real human. My BPD makes that impossible sometimes and I am extremely thankful for the treatment helping me get to this point, even if temporary. 

While I don’t have much to say as I’m tired and out of it. I’ll share one of my favorite songs, which has been stuck in my head all week. And I certainly don’t mind.

Pops*y*cles are life 

I’m sick. The kids got me sick. I no longer want to teach them to share. So I’ve been sleeping all day and now I’m in that weird zone where I’m still feeling like shit, but to racing-minded and crap to go back to sleep, and I want a popsycle but already ate the last popsicle. And no matter how I spell that word spellcheck is telling me it’s wrong and that I mean popcorn, so maybe I should eat popcorn. Hold on sec… ok Siri says it’s spelled popsicle, but I think it looks much fancier with a y, just saying.

So now I’m sharing my fucked up brain of germs with you (I share as well as my kids! Go me!) and hopefully I’ll fall asleep again soon cause I don’t know where any of my favorite sick day movies are since my husband keeps rearranging shelves and stuff. Night all! Here’s to us all feeling better in the morning, and to eating pops*y*cles 💕🤧😓