Sorry for my lengthy silence. And I warn you there will probably be more gaps through the year. I haven’t forgotten, I haven’t gone away. But life is rather unkind, and I will need times to step away and live through the storms.
Today the storm feels quieter. Why? My husband was too sick for this round of chemo. This seems like it would be bad news, but as I’ve been monitoring his symptoms the last few months I have found that chemo is taking waaaaayyy too much out of him. When the symptoms were so bad he became suicidal I broke. He needed to discuss options with his doctors. The treatment was doing more harm than good. I went with him to his appointment this time and watched as he nonchalantly described the basics of his symptoms.
Dr took note. Anything else?
“Yes!” I yelled. “So tired we’re lucky if he can stay awake long enough to watch a movie with his children. So cold our house is heated to an extreme and he still can’t leave his numerous blankets. So much pain he can’t do simple tasks. He is stumbling. He is struggling to breath. He is loosing his eye sight. He becomes so discouraged that he begins to feel suicidal. He has NO QUALITY OF LIFE. This is not okay!”
The Dr looked at me in shock for a moment then pushed hubby for more details. Apparently unaware that he can shrug off such severe symptoms so easily when discussing them in these appointments. Turns out the symptoms have become severe enough that they did not feel it medically safe to give him chemo this week. His body needs a break. He did his other cancer treatment and they adjusted some meds. Moving forward they will be on speaker phone with me for all appointment since apparently hubby doesn’t speak up, and they don’t push for enough details.
I should be mad, stressed, scared. And I am. But today I am mostly happy that I get to see my husband again. The med adjustment and quick chemo break did the trick. He is him today. I have not seen him like this in months. Enough energy to play a board game. A slightly higher appetite. Greater mental focus. And more laughter than I’ve heard in ages. He was too sick for chemo and so for this short moment I have my husband back. I’ve missed him so much.
Please always be honest with your doctors. Describe the severity of your symptoms. You are not complaining, you are giving the necessary information. The treatment could have killed him faster than the cancer because he didn’t want to complain. I complained for him and now his body gets to heal for a couple weeks and regain some strength. No matter how short this time between rounds, for today I will dwell in the joy of having my husband again.