The perfect age for imagination

My youngest son loves science and history. He enjoys learning new facts and is not shy about explaining the facts he has discovered. He is also 7 years old and has a highly developed imagination. This makes “facts” far more interesting when explained by him. Here is what he has taught me so far this week:

1. “The Loch Ness monster eats stones.”

I said I had no idea, to which he explained that it’s simple to understand. “The Loch Ness monster is a modern day variation of the plesiosaur which has been discovered by paleontologists to have swallowed stones. That it is possible the stones helped digest food. So of course the Loch Ness monster swallows stones to help digestion too.”

2. “A girls lifecycle is longer than boys”

I asked if he means average lifespan. He does not. “A girl can have a baby that might grow into another girl, that would have a baby, and the cycle continues. Boys can’t do that.” I had never thought of it that way.

3. “You are a girl momma and you were broken cause you had me and brother.”

Broken? “Yeah, cause a cat that can’t have kittens anymore is fixed so before that they are broken. Momma was able to have the human version of kittens so must have been broken, and is now fixed.”

Shifts of mood

I’m shifting from depression to anxiety which sucks but also gives hope. This is common for me when I’m about to feel better. What gives me hope the most though isn’t that I’m likely to feel better soon, but that I recognize it. For so many years I did not recognize my cycles, and it made them more intense and frightening. I felt more desperate and wanted to give up so often. Through 2 years of therapy I am just now finally getting to understand my own mind, my mental monster. I’m so proud of this, and so glad that I stuck with treatment. 


I want to encourage all who face these mental monsters to stick with treatment. You may not see results for quite a while, but stick to it anyway. You didn’t learn to tie your shoes, or ride a bike, or add fractions over night (ok, fractions are a bad example, I’m not sure I ever really learned that). You learned through constant effort. Therapy is the same. Stick to it, keep trying, keep learning. And when you have sessions where you’re yelling at your therapist that “this shit is stupid!” And she asks “what do you want to do?” Schedule your next appointment. That is what you want to do, even if you don’t recognize it right away. Stick to it. I believe in you and your ability to win this fight, and I believe in using all the resources available to you. 
Namaste y’all – I bow to the divine in you

If we were having coffee…

 If we were having coffee we would be hiding in the corner of the living room with the aromatherapy diffuser going. My husband and I have been enjoying a mix of pine and lemongrass recently, I’m not sure the benefits of either of them, but holy crap it smells good.

If we were having coffee I would thank you for your support this week. I know I’ve been quiet. I know I haven’t responded to comments as I usually do. But I read them. I read them over and over again to remind my brain that I am not alone, and that I can fight. I don’t know what brought on this sudden depression, I have yet to find a trigger, but I will fight through none the less. And your kindness, humor, and support are making that so much easier.

If we were having coffee I would tell you how my children have been laughing in their sleep recently. Funny dreams are a sign of a happy mind and a lack of stress. I am so glad to know that they are in such a great state of mind, even if my mind can’t join right now. Sleep laughter is now a goal for me. And I wish the funniest of dreams and loudest of sleep laughs for each of you.

Gifted?

I found out that my son is in a gifted group at school. He’s too young to be tested for gifted classes, so it’s just a group for additional advanced learning once a week. I should be happy, that would make sense. But honestly I’m freaked out. 

I got a lot of mixed messages when I was a kid. Some teachers would encourage me to join an advanced group or class, others would tell me to my face I was only average, or I couldn’t possibly reach my goals. And unfortunately there were more of the second group than the first. I wanted to prove my intelligence, I wanted to believe that I could truly achieve any of my goals as long as I worked hard enough. 

In my mid-20s I finally started being taken seriously. I finally was in a job where they actually wanted to train me and thought I was worth something. Instead of feeling that I finally made it, I mentally crashed. I’ve been trying to prove myself since 3rd grade when I was told I wasn’t good enough to be in the math club. But at that point I felt that it was all a lie. I had gone so far that I finally made others believe in the lie of my intelligence. 

I will occasionally take a random IQ test, usually in the hope of proving the last one wrong. I am always shown to be in the “gifted” range no matter which IQ test I take. I always decide that it must be wrong and a year later I take another to prove how wrong it is, because I can only possibly be average. But it always comes out gifted. 

I feel constant pressure to live up to intelligence I rarely believe that I have. And I see so much of myself in my son that it scares me. I love that he is learning so fast, and eager to learn more. If he moves into advanced classes, great. I am so proud. But I am so frightened too. I see some rapid emotions in him, much like I had as a child. I see his perfectionism so much like many in my family. I don’t want him trapped in the same cycle as me. I want him to enjoy learning and not be torn apart by labels and opinions. 

So I will encourage him to learn. And I will praise him for all levels of learning and the hard work he puts into it. But I hope he doesn’t get trapped by labels and grades only to become discouraged. Luckily he has much better teachers than I did, and they enjoy having him in class and in group as much as he loves to be there. Let’s hope it stays that way.

If we were having coffee…


If we were having coffee you’d be all like “um, what am I doing here? Can I leave?” Cause, well, I’m spring cleaning. And that is not fun. Sorry. But on the bright side, I have a large chunk of stuff to donate and my house is looking better already.

If we were having coffee I’d share how happy I am that I got through another extremely stressful week with some form of stability. Yay! My medications seem to be working well, and I know it must be that because I haven’t made the time to meditate. So that is my goal this week, to fit that back in the schedule.

If we were having coffee I’d share some of this chicken I’m eating right now cause it is FREAKING DELICIOUS. Wish I could email some to you, but I’m not that tech savvy. Sorry. As we munched on our chicken and drank our iced coffe I would ask “how did your week go? What are you most proud of this week?” Please share!

Mama bird

I received a letter from a previous employee today. An adorable handwritten note thanking me for believing in her and helping her in her career. She worked so hard to receive her promotion, and I am so glad to have been even a small part of that. She will probably never know just how much her letter meant to me, or how proud I will always be of her. This is the best part of management, watching my little birds fly away to experience the amazing things that they will find on their own path.