A welcome turn

Stepped into the same ER as we did 5 months ago. Got brought back just as quickly as before when the triage nurse saw his level of pain. Had the same ER doctor come in to the room. And as she stepped in she stopped. I’ve treated you before, haven’t I? He looked and said yes, that she was the one who found his cancer. She asked prognosis, current symptoms, and immediately put in orders for pain meds and a CT. I saw the same concern on her face as the last time when she ordered pain meds and a CT. Last time for his colon where she found multiple large masses, this time for his head where he was having the severe pain. It was all so similar, and so frightening.

I vividly remember 5 months ago, sitting in the chair next to hubby’s ER bed while they hook up his IV. Waiting in that chair while they take him for scans. And finally seeing the doctor return with results, closing the door I didn’t know the room had before closing the curtain usually used as a door and turning to us to explain what she found. That time led to a week at the hospital, a cancer diagnosis, explanation of stage 4, massive surgery, and a rollercoaster of pain and emotion that we still face.

Today I sat in that chair next to hubby’s ER bed while they hooked up his IV. Waited in that chair while the took him for scans. And then sat there anxiously staring at the door you wouldn’t know is there unless you’ve seen them use it. Desperately wishing it to remain open. I couldn’t handle going down this road again so soon. Even if I could handle it, I don’t know if he can. His mind is breaking.

Last time we sat through unspoken fear of colon cancer, this time the unspoken fear of it spreading to the brain. The doctor came back but the door remained open. Scans are clean, labs look great (considering). But she still admitted him. She wants another doctor to take a look, and beyond that just to give his body a rest. She is promising pain meds, anti nausea meds, and anti anxiety meds. And as the first batch went in his IV I slowly saw him sink into a gentle sleep. He is calm and resting, his pain managed, and when last I left his room he was keeping down what he has decided is the most delicious cranberry juice. The first thing he’s kept down in days.

It’s likely that the symptoms are just from the chemo, but it hit so hard and wasn’t letting up that we needed to get him in. What has me most concerned is the occasional moments of confusion or lapses in memory. It’s not normal for him, and started before these other symptoms. So they’re looking into it. I’m relieved that the brain scans are clean, and that he will be able to rest pain free even if just for tonight. This trip to the hospital had a much better turn out then last time. But I feel it will continue to loom over us every time we have these ups and downs. But right now I will sleep easy knowing he is safe. And tomorrow I will hopefully be able to take him home.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee I’d be complaining that it’s not cold enough here to be fall. I want to knit for winter, but can’t bring myself to knit because it’s not fall weather yet. 😭

If we were having coffee we’d be calmly hanging out in my living room. It’s a lazy day. Even with the caffeine I’ve got no energy, and no desire to get energy. The whole week has been go go go and I’m very happy to be lazy. Except that I’m hungry and don’t want to get off the couch to cook. So you’re totally going to bring over some food, right?

If we were having coffee I’d ask how your week was. I feel like I’ve been too trapped in mine and have ignored you. I don’t want to ignore you, you are all so special to me. So comment on your week, good or bad, I want to hear from you. 💕💕💕

By a robber in the woods

A very dear friend of mine attempted suicide this weekend. She survived and is safe in a psychiatric hospital right now. But I spoke with her today and she still seems overcome by the depression and the sorrow she faces. I looked briefly through photos of us over the past few months and can see, now with clarity, the smile on her face and the sorrow in her eyes.

I am in hermit mode while I safely heal my own broken heart as she exhaustedly fights for hers. I await to see the success of her fight because I cannot bear it to think she may lose. She is strong, though she doesn't see it. She is brave, though she sees only her fear. I will see the truth of her on her behalf while she navigates the dark woods of her depression.

I do not claim to be religious but have studied numerous scholars of numerous religions. One of the things that has always stuck with me was the idea by Martin Luther in the 16th Century that suicide did not mean that the soul was damned. That having your life taken by the despair the devil attacks you with is no different than being murdered by a robber in the woods. I believe that to be true.

My friend was attacked by a robber in the woods. She survived but continues to fight through these horrifying woods of her mind. I hope she receives the guidance she needs to make it out. Whether through a god, a therapist, a friend, or a family member. I want her to come safely out, back into the sunshine that will heal her.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we’d be sitting on my couch, enjoying basic coffee with a touch of almond milk and watching the birds outside (my son and I added bird seed to the birdhouse yesterday. The cat is having a blast). Oh, but don’t sit right there, scooch a little to the right. I already spilled coffee on the part of the couch this morning. Sorry.

If we were having coffee I’d show you the kids room. Usually it would be a huge mess but I made the boys clean it really well yesterday so I could redecorate. They hit a point last year where they officially grew out of the interests that caused the original room decor, and gained whole new ones. So for the last year, as I silently cried over the toddlers I will never again have, I also quietly collected new posters and wall art for the interests of the amazing and unique personalities they have become. I spent yesterday afternoon making the switch. They love their new decorations and I loved making that happen. As heartbreaking as it is to remove the old, the new fills the heart back up and makes it totally worth it.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you about how great therapy is going right now. I had my appointment Thursday, walked in with a great deal of frustration, walked out with peace and greater mindfulness. I also found the courage to share some blog posts with my therapist and she loved them. I didn’t really expect great feedback other than I seem more stable than I did with the journals I shared with her before starting the blog. But she really was impressed. In fact she has begun sharing my post on misconceptions with others (keeping me anonymous of course).

My husband had his first therapy appointment on Friday. I took him to my therapist’s partner. Not because she is her partner, but because when I met her it was right after they moved into their new office and I told her the fake birds were hung wrong and it was going to kill them. But also that the lights in this office where better than the last cause the light bulbs in the previous office were uneven and it freaked me out. She kindly smiled, fixed the birds, and asked if there was anything else she should have fixed as the handyman was coming the following day. I love her, she totally deals with my crazy even without knowing me. So Friday I took my husband there and proceeded to sit on the floor and color once he went back to her office. She walked out at the end of his session and said “oh, your wife isn’t back yet?” at which point my husband said “she’s right there, on the floor”. And then she proceeded to talk to me like a normal person. Have I mentioned that I love her? 

If we were having coffee, we’d sit and enjoy the quiet of the morning. It is peaceful here right now. I don’t know where this peace is coming from as my home is essentially the same as always. But right now, for some reason, I feel calm in a way I haven’t in a long time. If you still feel stress please take some of my peace and rest in it. I’ll keep pushing it into the atmosphere for you so you don’t have to use any strength to find it. Just rest.


Why I want to have lucid dreams

I’ve mentioned before that I have extremely vivid dreams. They are exhausting and often frightening. So I finally decided to take control. I began to research lucid dreaming, and what I found most interesting is that lucid dreaming can be used to better communicate with your inner self. You can call out things like “show me something funny” or “give me some confidence”. This is what I want.

Primarily my goal is to bring myself to my meditation spot. There is a place I visualize when meditating and I want to go there in my dreams. I want to sit in that spot and call out to the sky “bring me a sense of peace”. 

I described this to my therapist. She had not looked into this before, so it was new information to her. But she is the one teaching me mindful meditation and said it sounds like mindful dreaming. I like that description “mindful dreaming” as that is exactly what I want to do.

I was making progress before put on an anti anxiety, so I went off my anti anxiety a few days ago (with my psychiatrists permission. Do not adjust meds without first speaking to your doctor!) and am starting the process again. I’ll start sharing what I’m doing and if it’s working. If you want to see some of the research I’ve done I posted a link below. 


Teaching my kids about Martin Luther King Jr

As my kids rejoice at having a 3 day weekend, I asked if they know why. “It’s Martin Luther King’s birthday!” explained my 7 year old. He proceeded to explain that Martin Luther King had a dream that he told people about, and that he lead a march. He understood this was history and that it was somehow important, but you could tell it didn’t quite click. So I thought I’d take this chance to teach my kids about prejudice and about fighting it.

I reminded them that me and daddy have different colors of skin. If we were living during that time, daddy would have had to use different water fountains and restrooms, he would have lived in different neighborhoods with less resources. I explained that we couldn’t have been married, or that if we had, people would hate us, yell at us, hurt us. I reminded my sons of the voting ballet I recently reviewed with them and explained that people with darker skin wouldn’t have been able to vote, or if the did it would count for less.

I could see it starting to sink in what people faced in those times and I pulled up images of the riots. I said “this is how some people tried to fight. There was violence, guns, things got broken, people were hurt, some people died. That is not what made the change” I then pulled up images of the march “this is what Martin Luther King did to fight. This is what made a change and what we celebrate. They are standing there peacefully. This is how we make changes.”

I then pointed out one more thing in the images “look at the white people in the march. They had the rights that black people did not, but they stood with them because they believed in equality. We should always stand for equality even if we are not the ones being treated bad.” 

I explained that there is still prejudice now. That up until last year gay people couldn’t get married, and that they should have the same right to get married that me and daddy do. I explained that a there were times in other places that Christians weren’t allowed to go to church and pray, that Grandma and Grandpa would have had to pray in secret. And that we face that here now with Muslims who are feared so treated badly. 

My son asked me why muslims would be treated bad when they are so nice. So we discussed that in every group some people are not nice, and that causes fear. Fear is causing people to not see how nice most of the muslims are.

It is hard to know that we still have to fight for equality. That Martin Luther King Jr’s fight is not done, his dream is not yet fully realized. But it is beautiful to see that my sons so fully believe that all should be treated equally and that the majority of people are nice. Perhaps it is through us teaching our children that each generation makes progress. My family with stand peacefully for equality, and I can’t wait to see the progress that I am believing for.

Emotions are high

Emotions are high today for everyone. Regardless of how you voted or why it is a day of stress as so many of us go through our day with lack of sleep and strong emotions. So today I ask one thing of you, relax your shoulders. Right now, really, just knowingly relax your shoulders. Feel better? A little easier to breath? I hope so.

No matter the choices you made regarding this election, I appreciate you and your time spent thinking and making those decisions. I want you to go through your day at peace knowing that you matter and that your choices matter. And every time your emotions begin to take over again, relax. Allow yourself a pause to breath and lower those shoulders. You deserve that pause and so much more.
Namaste 🙏