I need a break from me

I’m trapped in my own mind, stuck with my own company. I live the day picking apart my every action and shoving my own mistakes in my face. I torture myself, I cry, and then I hate myself for the tears. I go to bed at night and the mean part of me takes more control, feeding into my insecurities and stress in dreams. Tearing me apart worse than while awake because now that part of my brain controls all. I want to sleep, but I fear my dreams. I want to cry but fear my response to those tears. I want to scream and push back the part of me that is so filled with hatred, but I’m not strong enough. Or at least that part of me isn’t. I need a break from my own mind. I need to protect that little hurting girl in my mind from the monster currently tearing her apart. But I am that monster. I am both, and so hate both. I’ve been living on energy drinks this week for fear of sleep and for lack of sleep. I need a break. The house is quiet right now, the whole family asleep. My energy drink is wearing off and the TV is no longer blocking out the voices in my head. I need sleep, but it won’t give me the break my mind needs. I refuse to keep sleeping pills in the house specifically for this reason. Because I know I will take too many out of sheer desperation to not dream. So I sit and struggle. I’m safe, but I won’t have a break. I just need a break.

I will not

I will not rage quit my job today.

I will not allow a single email to determine my career.

I will not allow this bitch to get to me, even after nearly three years of her hacking away at my mental state at work.

I will not rage quit my job today.

I will not stay up all night.

I will not be up all night afraid of the dreams that will haunt my sleep.

I will not allow my stress from the day to determine whether or not I will sleep that night.

I will not stay up all night.

I will not spend the day in tears.

I will not hide and cry all day over the devastation in this world.

I will not dwell on my personal experiences of loved once trapped in past shootings and replay the fear in my head while others face this new terror in their own lives.

I will not spend the day in tears.

I will not give up.

I will not forget that this day is temporary.

I will not allow the insanity of my current life and stress levels to destroy the future I am always fighting towards.

I will not give up.

Mindful Caffeination?

Every night for weeks I’ve been having bad dreams, and they seem to be getting more frequent and vivid. Nights filled with scenes of war, disease, pain. Watching loved ones suffer only to find myself paralyzed and unable to help. So many friends and family members have died in my arms in dreams, I can’t even recall them all. And it’s not some epic story line, but just snippets. Just the moment of dream torture and then it cuts off and starts the next. 

I can’t get away from them and so try to sleep as little as possible. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to become lucid in the dreams so don’t know what else to do. I am coping well outside of sleep though. Meditating a bit, listening to music, spending time doing crafts with the kids, breathing and releasing the pressure when I start to panic. But I can’t bring myself to do these things in my sleep.

Today was a more panicky day and I had some moments of hiding at work. Today I couldn’t bring myself to meditate, my mind just couldn’t for some reason. I was so exhausted so I sat in half lotus and sipped my coffee. I needed the caffeine, I needed the break. It might not help the mind long term like mindful meditation does, but it helped me get through the day. And now I can hide at home where I feel safer and more at ease. Though I am still drinking coffee, cause lord knows I don’t much want to sleep.

Late night coffee


Finally back on all my meds, though my momentary dark phase hit before running out for a few days so the meds are certainly not an instant fix. However they put the mask back on so I can get through my days. I haven’t been posting much as I am mentally exhausted to the point of physically exhausted and have been all week. 

The exhaustion is making my dreams come through weird again and giving me zero control over them, so I am now waking up just as exhausted as when I went to bed. So tonight I drank coffee, a lot of coffee, and am staying up as late as possible. Not healthy, I know. I can hear my therapist in my head “you need to be getting sleep. It is important.” I know. But sometimes, well often times, sleep is worse than wake. I can’t control my mind during sleep. I don’t have my rubber bands to remind me to not be judgmental. I don’t have my husband to comfort me or make me laugh, usually in my dreams he is away for some reason, my mind leaves me to fend for myself. I don’t have control over my actions which is why I smoke in my dreams though I never have in real life, I drink more in my dreams, I fall silent in my dreams nearly forgetting how to speak. These are only the things I can put into words while awake because they are “normal”. My mind goes far worse, but I can’t open up on that because my mind should not be capable of that type of… scenarios I guess is the only way to put it. My mind needs my control so the monster doesn’t appear. During sleep I loose that control. 

I don’t have a normal weekend coffee date in me. For that I am sorry. But I take comfort in the idea that you may be out there. That I’m not alone in my self imposed insomnia. And tomorrow I shall start new.

No Sleep

My brain tonight (and so many other nights)…

Did I leave a knife on the kitchen counter? What if the kids grab it, or the cat knocks it over? I think I put it away, but what if I didn’t?

I should go check that, and check the door lock again while I’m up. I know I already checked the lock a few times, but what if it’s a false memory? Maybe I didn’t actually check.

Kids talking in his sleep. Maybe his dreams are getting too much. I know he sounds fine, and he’s always fine when he talks in this sleep. But what if this is the first time he’s not? Maybe he’ll get trapped in a nightmare. Maybe I should sleep next to his bed just in case.

Maybe I should have both the kids sleep in our bed. What if someone breaks into their room?

What is that sound? Is that the neighbors or a burglar? Maybe it’s a kidnapper?

Are the kids craft paints put away? I know we put them away, but what if we missed one? What if the cat drinks it and dies while we’re asleep? I should go check that. And the knife I put away. And the door lock. 

But what if someone knocks on the door when I’m up checking on things? I can’t speak to someone in this mental state. But they’ll know I’m here, they will have heard me. They’ll never leave, I can’t hide or escape them. Maybe hubby will check the paint and knife and door lock?

But he might start to hate me if I wake him up. Why does he stay with me? I’m a terrible person! Why did he ever bother to marry me? Why did he settle? I can’t destroy his life. I won’t wake him up. He’s too sweet and would check everything. It’s not fair to him.

I should just go to bed. I have to sleep. If I don’t sleep well, then the kids will hate me. They probably already hate me. I’m a terrible mother. Only a terrible mother would have gone this long without getting up to check that the knife and paint were properly put away, and that the door was locked. I only checked these items 3 times before laying down. A good mother would check again.

I’m exhausted. 

When dreams turn to nightmares

I am a very vivid dreamer. Essentially I live every day twice, once awake, and once asleep. I was working towards lucid dreaming until I went on a new anti-anxiety that blurs my dreams. Blurs just enough that I can’t focus enough to become lucid, but not enough to make them less vivid.

Last night my dreams turned to lucid nightmares as they occasionally do. And I woke up utterly exhausted and upset. I also have had a terrible and stressful week at work. I spent all morning in tears yelling “I can’t do this anymore!” And then put on enough makeup to hide and went to work. 

I am taking a break right now, and listening to some theta waves to calm me. But I’m still struggling to shake it off. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want to pretend the world doesn’t exist outside my bed. I want to cry until I have no tears left. But my employees are counting on me, my boss needs me. So I will fight through. I will hide in bathrooms and conference rooms and supply closets as often as possible and I will get through. I hope.

Exhausted – dream advice needed

You may have noticed I skipped our coffee date this morning, I haven’t been feeling good or sleeping well so spent pretty much all day in bed. I know that this is a mix of stress/anxiety/depression and a mild cold, so no worries. But I want to see if you guys have some good sleep advice since a big part of this is also lack of good sleep.

I have extremely vivid dreams, I have most of my life. It quite honestly freaks me out, but not because they’re actually scary. Sometimes during really tough times, or while adjusting to new medications, these can turn into vivid nightmares, but usually they’re actually very mundane. My issue is that I don’t like to know my brain is going without my control. The lack of control frightens me, and can cause insomnia when my stress levels are high. When I’m not stressed my sleep still isn’t restful because I’m essentially living every day twice, once while awake and once while asleep.

So I’m wondering if you have advice on how to fix this. Either to prevent vivid dreams, or turn them into lucid dreams. I either need them foggy or I need to take control, but I have no idea how to make that happen.

And yes, I’ve done sleep journals, and yes I’ve looked at meanings. I am decent at dream interpretation and my dreams are terrible at “hidden” messages. So meanings are extremely obvious in my case and not anything I’m not already aware of. So I really don’t need them as is. Any advice on fogging them or taking control of them is greatly appreciated! 

Thanks all 😘