If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we would be sitting next to a large window at home, soaking in the sunshine without the fear and crazy of the world outside. And avoiding sunburns. Inside on sunny days makes my nose and shoulders feel safe 👍

If we were having coffee we would be chatting about nothingness. This has been a week of ups and downs. Politically things are weird, weather has been weird, and my life right now is weird. My new med kicked in and at first made me constantly exhausted, which fixes the insomnia I guess but still sucks. I finally adjusted more to it and am back on a normal sleep schedule with vivid dreams, but not nightmares. My week was starting to pick up until yesterday morning when my anxiety hit out of nowhere. I was coping fine until I got a call from my mom. My uncle was in a bad car accident and has not yet regained consciousness. He went through an emergency surgery fine and it's just a waiting game at this point.

If we were having coffee we would distract each other with jokes, music, and random chatting. We would enjoy the day off and the lack of responsibility for the moment. Tomorrow we can get back to the insanity of the day, our lives, and the world around us. But for today let's relax and enjoy our coffee.

Coping with BPD – Forgiveness 

When dealing with BPD it is critical that we learn to forgive ourselves. And this is where I most fail.

There are times that I will allow my emotions to get the better of me. I will snap at my husband. I will cry at work. I will have panic attacks in store parking lots. I will refuse to meditate out of mental exhaustion. I will forget to eat until it makes me sick. I will cut myself. I will burn myself. I will hide and cry uncontrollably. No matter how successful my treatment is, I will occasionally go backwards.

It is during these times I must forgive myself. I must love myself. Falling backwards is not failure, it is success, because I picked myself up again. When you fall, when your struggle gets the better of you, you are not failing! You are pulling on strength that you didn’t know you had and surviving for future success. Never forget that!

When we struggle and begin to feel the pain and heartache of that, the first step towards healing is forgiveness. Forgive yourself for the step back, and promise to love yourself as you begin to move forward again.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we’d be in my living room listening to music and drinking peppermint mochas. I’d tell you how excited I am to be making zucchini bread with the kiddos tomorrow. I don’t bake nearly as often as I should and zucchini bread sounds soooo good right now.

If we were having coffee we’d leave politics and debates outside. Not because I don’t appreciate your views, but because there is a time and place. Coffee chats is not the time. We would instead talk about the shows we are binge watching and laugh at what happened in the latest episode. I’m going through old shows and movies from my childhood and teanage years on Netflix right now and it is so much fun!

If we were having coffee we’d play music, do face masks, and maybe throw in an old favorite movie to watch together. I have Ms Congeniality in the player right now, we could totally enjoy that. We’d hang out and giggle and leave the past week in the past. A fresh week is starting and I can’t wait to see what joy it will bring us. Be open to blessing this week, look for them. I will to.

What a wonderful reminder

Someday’s I look at the world and see only hatred and violence. I fear for my future and for the future of my kids.

Someday’s I am too depressed to look at the world and I see only the turmoil inside. I sit and wonder, am I what’s wrong with the world? Am I ruining my children’s future?

And someday’s I snuggle up with my kids, pull up YouTube to introduce them to an all time favorite musician of mine, and then hear exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe you need to hear it too?

Papercut in the brain

You know when you get a papercut and forget about it until you use some hand sanitizer and then it’s like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT BATMAN!” Because nothing that small should feel that strongly? Yeah, that’s borderline personality disorder in a nutshell. The tiniest little thing feels extreme. I do something insignificant in a less than perfect way and the world is ending. The emotional center of my brain is one giant papercut and the entirety of the world is hand sanatizer.

It’s been a rough day, and as my mind blows everything out of proportion I find the need to get lost in something. So I’m listening to music. Wanna know the strange mismatch of music my brain is craving? You’re welcome to check out my playlist “Day Off” on Spotify, a handful of my favorite songs for days I’m feeling off.