That is the worst idea you have had

When your therapist of 3 years, the women who has seen you through panic attacks, self harm, suicidal ideation, and lord knows what else says “that is the worst idea you have had.” You should probably listen 😬

So what was this terrible idea? I went off my meds. That may not seem like much, but remember all the lovely things mentioned in the first sentence? That was during a period of time I spent months arguing with her that I didn’t need medication. Followed by a month of trying to stabilize on my new medications, some of that time spent in a psych hospital. She helped me understand that I need meds, helped me find a good psychiatrist after I had had so many bad ones in the past, she helped keep me safe from myself while I worked to find the right blend, and she helped me understand that the meds bring me to a baseline where I can then work on my self care to become healthy and stable beyond that point.

Recently someone at the office started telling everyone that I don’t care about things. Suddenly rumors where flying around that I am heartless, that I don’t care about my work or my team. This started spreading out of control until someone started trying to tell others I should be fired so they can have someone that actually cares. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder I’d never been told I don’t care. I’m told I care too much, I care when I shouldn’t, I am too emotional, that I need to shut it off. My whole world shifted as I began to hear these strange rumors and I panicked.

I knew the “issue” was that I was stable, and that I wear an emotional mask on top of that. I also knew that I wasn’t going to lower that mask, so the only way to show emotions through it was to stop being stable. So for the next two weeks I cut my antidepressant and mood stabilizer dosages in half. When I didn’t end up completely crazy after that I just stopped taking them altogether. I went against my better judgement. I went against the advice I give others to never adjust your meds without first speaking to your doctor. I went against the advice I give myself, to talk over decisions I know are probably wrong with my therapist before doing stupid things. I panicked, so I ignored everything but the rumors at the office and I screwed myself up worse.

So at last Monday’s appointment we discussed the issues I’m going through right now, and eventually got to the dreaded question:

“How are your meds working?”

“I’m not taking them.”

Pause… “When did you last see your Psychiatrist?”

“About 3 or 4 months ago?”

“So she doesn’t know you stopped taking them?”

“No.”

“How long have you been off your meds?”

“A week, I was on half dose for 2 weeks before that.”

Pause…. “Why?”

“They were making me stable so people thought I didn’t care. I needed stronger emotions at work or everyone would hate me!”

Longer pause (probably an effort to regain the peace she had found while meditating that morning before I had come in and ruined it) “That… that is the worst idea you have had.”

“They want to fire me!”

“You can’t just stop your meds.”

“I can’t be stable right now, they hate me at work!”

“Do you hear yourself?”

“Yes. But I don’t care. I need my job.”

“You are more important than just a job. You need to be stable for you and your husband and your kids. You need to be on your meds.”

So I’m back on my meds. I’m feeling better, more clear, more calm. But I still have moments of desperate desire to be off them. To let my crazy take control. I don’t know where this desire is coming from exactly, I don’t think it is just from work though that was certainly a catalyst. But something in me says I shouldn’t be stable. And this is a new fight for me, one I don’t know how to face.

When I was young and refused to acknowledge depression as a medical condition, or that I had anything more than seasonal depression, I would refuse meds or go off of them because I shouldn’t need them. I’ve fought that battle and moved beyond it. I’ve learned to ignore the occasional thoughts my brain throws at me trying to convince me of that lie. But this is a new lie. My mind says the meds are working, and they’re needed, but that I should stop anyway. I recognize the truth of my illness and my treatment, and something is telling me not to be treated. To let the symptoms take over. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know how to fight it. Have any of you fought that before? The idea that you can be stable but shouldn’t?

Questions about your boss with BPD?

From day one the most common search term for this site has been “my boss has borderline personality disorder.” That hasn’t changed. In fact it’s become even more frequent. I spoke on this once before, but am not sure it actually answers anything you want to know. If you are coming to this blog trying to figure out how to work with a boss who may have BPD please feel free to post a question in the comments section. I will do my best to answer.

Wait, what was I gonna say?

I had a post in my head yesterday and didn't have time to hop on. And then it got lost somewhere in my brain.

I had a post in my head today and it got lost in my mind by the time I got home from work.

I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or the new med or my currently hectic schedule, but apparently my brain is eating things alive. But that's ok, my brain has been far more jackassish many a time, so I'll take the forgotten fog and fluff and enjoy the partial emptiness of my thought process.

So in the meantime, enjoy some washing machine music. It makes me giggle and sing along every time.

Who needs energy anyway?

I’ve been abnormally tired lately and am not sure why. Usually I would worry about upcoming depression when this happens, but I’m going through a pretty stable season right now (only 3 rubber bands today! Woot!). So instead I first assumed I was still just getting over being sick, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue. 

Then I blamed my meds. I was supposed to take part of my dose of Lamotrigine in the morning and part at night, but a few months ago essentially told my psych “screw that, I’m taking it all in the morning”. Recently I switched to the morning/evening plan to make it last in my body better but it gave me crazy dreams again, so I switched back to morning cause there is only so much crazy dreaming I can handle. I also hoped the lack of crazy dreams would help my sleep be more effective. Alas, it did not.

So now I have no idea. I’m getting enough sleep, I’m sticking to a standard daily schedule, I’m taking my meds and doing my therapy practice. I have NO IDEA what is going on with my energy levels. Hopefully it’ll work itself out soon because I hate knowing effect without knowing cause. The confusion pisses me off more than the lack of energy honestly.

And how are you today?

I’m being bitchy. Like for 2 days now. So hubby bought me spiced rum, and then during the days has been randomly handing me cups of coffee. He knows me so well! 

Anyhoo, I shouldn’t be PMSing, and stressers aren’t different then usual so I’m inclined to blame the meds. They always have a short period of time of feeling stable followed by some extreme emotion that lasts for a thousand years. 

I want to march into the psychs office, throw my pill bottles and scream “FUCK THIS SHIT! I’M DONE WITH MEDS!” But that’s probably not a good idea. So I’m knitting. 

How are you doing? Feel free to take a moment to comment on how you’re doing. Maybe it’s great and we can totally celebrate with you. Maybe life sucks and we can electronically hug you. Maybe it’s just whatever and you feel like saying hi. Whatever the case, it’s nice to know people exists out there and have days and moods of all types.


PS: how adorable is this little smiley toe? (It’s not mine. I found it online)

Some days you just need to shut off.

So I took an anti-anxiety, which I hate doing because it causes me to dissociate which can sometimes make things worse. But some days I have to. I have to shut off those parts of myself that have overwhelmed me too long. I can’t say I’m feeling better, because the truth is I’m not feeling in general. But I’m coping better and I guess that is something. 

Stupid meds

Sorry I’ve been so quiet this week. Had my meds adjusted earlier this week and I am EXTREMELY sensitive to medication. So I’ve spent the week nauseous, exhausted, and disconnected. Side effects should fade soon, and all the posts in my head will come pouring out again. I’m gonna try to shake this off with a little yoga tonight, assuming I can force myself to get off the couch.