If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee I’d be complaining that it’s not cold enough here to be fall. I want to knit for winter, but can’t bring myself to knit because it’s not fall weather yet. 😭

If we were having coffee we’d be calmly hanging out in my living room. It’s a lazy day. Even with the caffeine I’ve got no energy, and no desire to get energy. The whole week has been go go go and I’m very happy to be lazy. Except that I’m hungry and don’t want to get off the couch to cook. So you’re totally going to bring over some food, right?

If we were having coffee I’d ask how your week was. I feel like I’ve been too trapped in mine and have ignored you. I don’t want to ignore you, you are all so special to me. So comment on your week, good or bad, I want to hear from you. 💕💕💕

Diagnosed Workaholic

My first session with my current therapist was just over two years ago and after explaining how I had been “coping” for years and what was happening leading up to my pending breakdown she looked at me and paused, and then she simply said “you realize you’ve been self medicating with work for the past nine years, right?” Yes. Yes I did. The fact is I didn’t know how to cope so I worked too much in order to distract myself from myself. When I was forced to slow down, I couldn’t handle it. I was a workaholic. I’m not saying that to downplay actual addictions, but addiction runs in my family so I have always been excessively carefully with the actually addictive things, so I ended up turning to work instead.

The last couple of months at work have been nuts. I’m working crazy overtime and barely keeping shit together for my department. I had to cancel my last therapy appointment cause I can’t take time off work, and I still haven’t been able to schedule a new one. I’m too exhausted for crafts or games or anything that I used to do after work. I’m barely blogging, sleeping is hard, it took me a week to finally sew buttons onto my sons sock for sock puppet eyes. I wake up already exhausted, run on coffee and soda energy all day, and lie down with an exhausted body and overactive mind as soon as I get home.

But I realized today that in the last two weeks I’ve had almost no panic attacks. I have not had the constant urge to self harm. I have not cried myself to sleep or stared at nothing in the overwhelming emptiness of my lack of self. I have not begun screaming at someone out of uncontrollable anger held too long. My emotional extremes aren’t there. Today it occurred to me that I am doing almost no self care at all, so why am I suddenly stable? My meds didn’t change, so it can’t be that. Then my therapists words echoed in my head. “Self medicating with work.” Am I doing it again? Am I so overworked that my disorders have taken a backseat? I don’t know. But two years of practicing self care has at least taught me a couple things.

First, work does not define me. I have to keep reminding myself of that, and I do. No matter how much of my day is stuck on work right now, it does not define me. Second, it is important to not judge. I don’t need to judge my overworking nature at the moment, I simply need to be aware that it is there and that it will not last forever. That I need to keep working to build in more self care while I can. Third, I can’t make this permanent. I need to allow myself to slow back down as work slows back down. I can’t allow myself to get so used to this that I don’t stop.

I choose to be aware of my situation and my past so I can move past this. I choose to be healthy, even if it means that feeling good might not be from feeling good or from healthy practices.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee it would be large, and strong, and multiple cups. It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks due to life and work. Beyond that my emotional regulation is not doing well. And I wouldn’t be too concerned except for the fact that I had to cancel my therapy appointment for the month cause I simply can’t take the time to get there. But as I took back to blogging after a lower amount of posts the past few weeks, I found that I am not alone. You all are with me, and you understand. Your support means the world to me 💕💕💕

If we were having coffee I would ask how you have been. I find that a lot of people around me are facing busy, crazy, stressful, emotional times as well right now. Feel free to share so we can all be there for each other. And if you are one of the few having goods times right now, please share as well. It is through celebrating the goods times that we remember what we are fighting for through the bad.

Namaste y’all

Because science

So the kids are back in school, and are learning to share faster than learning to properly wash their hands and cover their mouth. So the whole family’s been sick and it is currently my turn. After a full day of work, a conference call for a new project, and a trip to the psych, I’m at home and exhausted.

I decided to drink some coffee to perk me up and get stuff done, but my nose and ears wanted to be jerks. So I took cold medicine with the coffee, because drowsy + caffeine = ???

So basically I’m a mad scientist experimenting with chemicals. Ok that sounds bad. At this point it’s probably best I lie down and see if I’m capable of falling asleep. Who knows, maybe I’ll be highly productive in my dreams. That could be a fun change.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we would most likely be drinking juice as well. I want the caffeine, the break from dreams and confused exhaustion, but I also want juice. Juice tastes good.

If we were having coffee I would apologize for being gone so much. Life is hectic with kids activities, volunteer activities, and more. Beyond that is sleep issues that can’t decide which issue they want to be on any given day, and constant fear and sadness over a friend still on suicide watch.

If we were having coffee I would cheer us all up as I showed you the bizarre dance my son created this week. Think young Elvis Presley, drunk, high, and attempting baton twirling. That’s really the best I can describe it 😂. We also would chat over other fun things from the week. I got to hang out with a friend I haven’t seen for a while and it could not have been more perfect together time. I also got a kitten that is currently sleeping next to me, and thankfully not on my keyboard as she was earlier.

If we were having coffee I would ask you what your favorite moment from the week was. I’d love to hear from you!

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we would be sitting next to a large window at home, soaking in the sunshine without the fear and crazy of the world outside. And avoiding sunburns. Inside on sunny days makes my nose and shoulders feel safe 👍

If we were having coffee we would be chatting about nothingness. This has been a week of ups and downs. Politically things are weird, weather has been weird, and my life right now is weird. My new med kicked in and at first made me constantly exhausted, which fixes the insomnia I guess but still sucks. I finally adjusted more to it and am back on a normal sleep schedule with vivid dreams, but not nightmares. My week was starting to pick up until yesterday morning when my anxiety hit out of nowhere. I was coping fine until I got a call from my mom. My uncle was in a bad car accident and has not yet regained consciousness. He went through an emergency surgery fine and it's just a waiting game at this point.

If we were having coffee we would distract each other with jokes, music, and random chatting. We would enjoy the day off and the lack of responsibility for the moment. Tomorrow we can get back to the insanity of the day, our lives, and the world around us. But for today let's relax and enjoy our coffee.

Mindful Caffeination?

Every night for weeks I’ve been having bad dreams, and they seem to be getting more frequent and vivid. Nights filled with scenes of war, disease, pain. Watching loved ones suffer only to find myself paralyzed and unable to help. So many friends and family members have died in my arms in dreams, I can’t even recall them all. And it’s not some epic story line, but just snippets. Just the moment of dream torture and then it cuts off and starts the next. 

I can’t get away from them and so try to sleep as little as possible. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to become lucid in the dreams so don’t know what else to do. I am coping well outside of sleep though. Meditating a bit, listening to music, spending time doing crafts with the kids, breathing and releasing the pressure when I start to panic. But I can’t bring myself to do these things in my sleep.

Today was a more panicky day and I had some moments of hiding at work. Today I couldn’t bring myself to meditate, my mind just couldn’t for some reason. I was so exhausted so I sat in half lotus and sipped my coffee. I needed the caffeine, I needed the break. It might not help the mind long term like mindful meditation does, but it helped me get through the day. And now I can hide at home where I feel safer and more at ease. Though I am still drinking coffee, cause lord knows I don’t much want to sleep.

I considered making this title just the facepalm emoji

So I had therapy this morning, I thought it was scheduled for 10am, turns out it was for 11am. Good start so far 👍. So I got to the office and there were lizards outside the office door. So I sat on the bench 10 feet away and texted my therapist “there are lizards outside your door and I’m pretty sure they’re going to attack if I walk that far. I may or may not be able to get in.” Then I discovered I was scheduled for 11am and she wasn’t there yet. But she said she’d hurry, and I said I’d keep an eye on the lizards. 

Then the lizards split into a triangle formation around me and one of them started digging rocks. I freaked out and drove off to get coffee while I waited. Hit a Starbucks drive through and was on my way back and got completely lost 🤦‍♀️.  While circling a nearby airport trying to find my way back to the street she texted me that she was here. I was already pulled over seeing if I could find the address to turn on GPS and so texted back “the lizards were gathering rocks so I went for coffee and now I’m lost” I of course followed that with “I’m pretty sure your office is in an alternate universe” 

Needless to say, my therapy session started in a rather interesting way. But at least my parking spot was available for this appointment. 

Late night coffee


Finally back on all my meds, though my momentary dark phase hit before running out for a few days so the meds are certainly not an instant fix. However they put the mask back on so I can get through my days. I haven’t been posting much as I am mentally exhausted to the point of physically exhausted and have been all week. 

The exhaustion is making my dreams come through weird again and giving me zero control over them, so I am now waking up just as exhausted as when I went to bed. So tonight I drank coffee, a lot of coffee, and am staying up as late as possible. Not healthy, I know. I can hear my therapist in my head “you need to be getting sleep. It is important.” I know. But sometimes, well often times, sleep is worse than wake. I can’t control my mind during sleep. I don’t have my rubber bands to remind me to not be judgmental. I don’t have my husband to comfort me or make me laugh, usually in my dreams he is away for some reason, my mind leaves me to fend for myself. I don’t have control over my actions which is why I smoke in my dreams though I never have in real life, I drink more in my dreams, I fall silent in my dreams nearly forgetting how to speak. These are only the things I can put into words while awake because they are “normal”. My mind goes far worse, but I can’t open up on that because my mind should not be capable of that type of… scenarios I guess is the only way to put it. My mind needs my control so the monster doesn’t appear. During sleep I loose that control. 

I don’t have a normal weekend coffee date in me. For that I am sorry. But I take comfort in the idea that you may be out there. That I’m not alone in my self imposed insomnia. And tomorrow I shall start new.

Advice from my husband

Me: What do you do when I’m batshit crazy. More than usual I mean. Like if someone said “my spouse is batshit crazy, any advice?” What advice would you give them?

Hubby: If you love them it doesn’t matter. That said, hiding is a great option!

Me: Lol, I mean like you love them and want to help them fight the depression and lack of confidence. You bring me coffee for example to show love, but what do you do that maybe I don’t see?

Hubby: I try to give you space, and try to be understanding at the same time. I try not to feed your insecurities and yeah I like to bring you stuff. It helps a lot when someone knows you care. Oh! And humor! Forgot that one. It’s hard to laugh and be sad at the same time.