From day one the most common search term for this site has been “my boss has borderline personality disorder.” That hasn’t changed. In fact it’s become even more frequent. I spoke on this once before, but am not sure it actually answers anything you want to know. If you are coming to this blog trying to figure out how to work with a boss who may have BPD please feel free to post a question in the comments section. I will do my best to answer.
If we were having coffee we’d be sitting on my couch, enjoying basic coffee with a touch of almond milk and watching the birds outside (my son and I added bird seed to the birdhouse yesterday. The cat is having a blast). Oh, but don’t sit right there, scooch a little to the right. I already spilled coffee on the part of the couch this morning. Sorry.
If we were having coffee I’d show you the kids room. Usually it would be a huge mess but I made the boys clean it really well yesterday so I could redecorate. They hit a point last year where they officially grew out of the interests that caused the original room decor, and gained whole new ones. So for the last year, as I silently cried over the toddlers I will never again have, I also quietly collected new posters and wall art for the interests of the amazing and unique personalities they have become. I spent yesterday afternoon making the switch. They love their new decorations and I loved making that happen. As heartbreaking as it is to remove the old, the new fills the heart back up and makes it totally worth it.
If we were having coffee I’d tell you about how great therapy is going right now. I had my appointment Thursday, walked in with a great deal of frustration, walked out with peace and greater mindfulness. I also found the courage to share some blog posts with my therapist and she loved them. I didn’t really expect great feedback other than I seem more stable than I did with the journals I shared with her before starting the blog. But she really was impressed. In fact she has begun sharing my post on misconceptions with others (keeping me anonymous of course).
My husband had his first therapy appointment on Friday. I took him to my therapist’s partner. Not because she is her partner, but because when I met her it was right after they moved into their new office and I told her the fake birds were hung wrong and it was going to kill them. But also that the lights in this office where better than the last cause the light bulbs in the previous office were uneven and it freaked me out. She kindly smiled, fixed the birds, and asked if there was anything else she should have fixed as the handyman was coming the following day. I love her, she totally deals with my crazy even without knowing me. So Friday I took my husband there and proceeded to sit on the floor and color once he went back to her office. She walked out at the end of his session and said “oh, your wife isn’t back yet?” at which point my husband said “she’s right there, on the floor”. And then she proceeded to talk to me like a normal person. Have I mentioned that I love her?
If we were having coffee, we’d sit and enjoy the quiet of the morning. It is peaceful here right now. I don’t know where this peace is coming from as my home is essentially the same as always. But right now, for some reason, I feel calm in a way I haven’t in a long time. If you still feel stress please take some of my peace and rest in it. I’ll keep pushing it into the atmosphere for you so you don’t have to use any strength to find it. Just rest.
As part of my therapy, as well as my chakra balancing, I am trying to externalize more. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you know I’m working specifically on my throat chakra. The throat chakra is the center of communication as well as connected to creativity. I have worked hard to listen to others non-judgmentaly as part of my communication work, but still need to face my personal truths so I can learn to speak them effectively. So over the next week I will be blogging about my personal truths, opening up more than I feel comfortable because the fact is I need to face it, to face me. So I’m starting with something simple, why I started blogging.
There are a number of reasons; to externalize, to find a community online, to journal without carrying a journal. But the number one reason was because I’m so frustrated with the stigma of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Do me a favor, go on google and search “dealing with depression” what do you see? A long list of sites on tips for dealing with your depression, support groups, medical advice. Now change the search to “dealing with anxiety”. Now you have advice on coping with stress and anxiety, and tips for handling panic attacks. Change the search again, this time to “dealing with bipolar disorder”, many tips and medical info like with depression. But scroll down far enough and you might see a link here and there on “helping” someone with bipolar disorder, something geared towards the family’s coping skills.
Okay, now do one more search “dealing with borderline personality disorder”. What do you see? Link after link after link of dealing with someone who has BPD. On my entire first page of results right now their are 2 links aimed towards the person who has it, all the rest are tips for family, friends, and coworkers.
I once tried to search for support groups for BPD and 80% of the groups within driving distance are for family members of someone with BPD. My husband can get more support for having to deal with me than I will ever receive for having to deal with my own medical condition. That’s kinda messed up if you ask me.
Don’t get me wrong. I know I can stress my husband out, and I’m glad he has support available. But I feel like the world sees me as a lost cause, someone to put up with, someone who will never get better. When I get hit with the depression aspects of this disorder is it any wonder I believe the world is better off without me? The world is literally telling me it’s better off without me!
When I was 17 I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, at which point a family member told me “that can’t be right, you’re not THAT crazy”. So, my husband is the only family member who knows my true diagnosis, to everyone else I call it anxiety. I don’t need more loving help telling me how crazy I’m not.
I don’t like the attitude toward BPD, and maybe I’m biased but I feel that as bad as the stigma is around mental illness, it’s the worst toward BPD. So I made a blog. I want to show what it is to live with the disorder. Not just survive, but to really succeed. I’m not the most successful person, but I have certainly lived beyond the expectations of me. I’m proud of that, and plan to continue this path. I want to show that someone with BPD can live a healthy happy life as long as they’re stubborn enough. And if there is one thing I excel at, it’s being stubborn!