Stupid Little Girl

When BPD takes a swing to low self esteem I see myself as a stupid little girl. Others see me as a 30-something women with husband, children, stable job, hobbies, etc. But they don’t see the real me. The me that is frightened to speak, frightened to leave the house. Everything in me is asking why would I let myself live this long? Why would I allow myself to become connected to people? Why would I form this stable life when everything in me is wrong?

I know it is the borderline, I tell myself my brain is lying. It will get better with time. But right now I want only to disappear. I want to sit in the corner of my closet like I did when I was young and allow myself to cry at my own feelings of stupidity and uselessness. Instead I will remain awake as the rest of the family sleeps and be thankful that at least I won’t dream if I don’t sleep tonight. And remind myself that at least this illusion of stability provides a home I can hide in when the rest of the world is too overwhelming to step into.

Conversations with my Therapist

“I worked my ass off and it’s so frustrating that there was nothing I could do to make it better!”

“Have we discussed radical acceptance?”

“I hate radical acceptance! I want to control everything!”

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“I’m still struggling with my agoraphobia and am not sure what to do.”

“Maybe start with a small step. For example, next time you go to the store park in a different row than the one you always park in.”

*look of utter terror*

———–

“You’re light bulbs are uneven”

“Yeah, I don’t much like those lights”

“No seriously, one side is longer than the other. Those are the worst light bulbs! WHY WOULD SOMEONE MAKE THOSE?!”

“Huh, I never noticed one side was longer”

“Oh my god I’m never looking up in here again!”

———–

“So those are the steps I’ve taken to balance my throat chakra but the progress is slow. What can I do to get this balanced fast?”

“It didn’t close overnight, it’s not going to balance overnight. Have patience”

“Well that’s dumb”

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