If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we would be sitting next to a large window at home, soaking in the sunshine without the fear and crazy of the world outside. And avoiding sunburns. Inside on sunny days makes my nose and shoulders feel safe 👍

If we were having coffee we would be chatting about nothingness. This has been a week of ups and downs. Politically things are weird, weather has been weird, and my life right now is weird. My new med kicked in and at first made me constantly exhausted, which fixes the insomnia I guess but still sucks. I finally adjusted more to it and am back on a normal sleep schedule with vivid dreams, but not nightmares. My week was starting to pick up until yesterday morning when my anxiety hit out of nowhere. I was coping fine until I got a call from my mom. My uncle was in a bad car accident and has not yet regained consciousness. He went through an emergency surgery fine and it's just a waiting game at this point.

If we were having coffee we would distract each other with jokes, music, and random chatting. We would enjoy the day off and the lack of responsibility for the moment. Tomorrow we can get back to the insanity of the day, our lives, and the world around us. But for today let's relax and enjoy our coffee.

Late night coffee


Finally back on all my meds, though my momentary dark phase hit before running out for a few days so the meds are certainly not an instant fix. However they put the mask back on so I can get through my days. I haven’t been posting much as I am mentally exhausted to the point of physically exhausted and have been all week. 

The exhaustion is making my dreams come through weird again and giving me zero control over them, so I am now waking up just as exhausted as when I went to bed. So tonight I drank coffee, a lot of coffee, and am staying up as late as possible. Not healthy, I know. I can hear my therapist in my head “you need to be getting sleep. It is important.” I know. But sometimes, well often times, sleep is worse than wake. I can’t control my mind during sleep. I don’t have my rubber bands to remind me to not be judgmental. I don’t have my husband to comfort me or make me laugh, usually in my dreams he is away for some reason, my mind leaves me to fend for myself. I don’t have control over my actions which is why I smoke in my dreams though I never have in real life, I drink more in my dreams, I fall silent in my dreams nearly forgetting how to speak. These are only the things I can put into words while awake because they are “normal”. My mind goes far worse, but I can’t open up on that because my mind should not be capable of that type of… scenarios I guess is the only way to put it. My mind needs my control so the monster doesn’t appear. During sleep I loose that control. 

I don’t have a normal weekend coffee date in me. For that I am sorry. But I take comfort in the idea that you may be out there. That I’m not alone in my self imposed insomnia. And tomorrow I shall start new.

If we were having coffee…

 If we were having coffee we would be hiding in the corner of the living room with the aromatherapy diffuser going. My husband and I have been enjoying a mix of pine and lemongrass recently, I’m not sure the benefits of either of them, but holy crap it smells good.

If we were having coffee I would thank you for your support this week. I know I’ve been quiet. I know I haven’t responded to comments as I usually do. But I read them. I read them over and over again to remind my brain that I am not alone, and that I can fight. I don’t know what brought on this sudden depression, I have yet to find a trigger, but I will fight through none the less. And your kindness, humor, and support are making that so much easier.

If we were having coffee I would tell you how my children have been laughing in their sleep recently. Funny dreams are a sign of a happy mind and a lack of stress. I am so glad to know that they are in such a great state of mind, even if my mind can’t join right now. Sleep laughter is now a goal for me. And I wish the funniest of dreams and loudest of sleep laughs for each of you.

If we were (almost) having coffee…

Thank god for virtual coffee dates cause I don’t exsist today. I had a migraine all morning and so have been in bed desperately longing for the pain to release. It is a dangerous longing for me to have, luckily my room is safe and I was able to sleep. Feeling half alive now I am drinking a small coffee, large water, and eating fruit, hoping I actually keep this down. 

I’m not exactly a lump of joy or energy, but at least I’m a lump so 1 out of 3 at least, yeah? I do want to share a great moment from the week though. Yesterday the kids were arguing and my 7yo stormed out of the room, flopped on the couch, and crossed his arms. This is typical of him being upset, and usually followed with “I’m having a bad day!!!” I’ve been trying to teach the kids that a moment is temporary and does not need to determine the whole day. This time, without prompt, the statement was “I’m having a bad moment!” And I couldn’t have been more proud.

So, to practice what I preach. The pressure in my head is temporary. The frustration I feel is for a moment. It does not define my day, and will not effect the week to come. Wishing you all lots of good moments this week. Remember the bad moments are temporary and will pass, the good moments are temporary and so to be enjoyed as they happen. 

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee I would totally be braless. Well, technically I already am, you don’t mind do you? I’ve been having nasty headaches for days. While this is caused by a number of factors such as lack of sleep, a nasty cough I can’t seem to shake, and far too much caffeine, my go to quick solution is take off the bra. The lack of pressure on my shoulders makes me feel soooo much better in the head.

If we were having coffee, I would be having just one, cause too much caffeine, sigh. But I have some juice and tea, so we have options no worries. I would also show you the rubber bands on my wrist that I am very proud of. See I’ve been trying to focus on DBT practice now while I’m stable. Since the symptoms of my crazy are easier right now, finding new ways to cope help me to build those habits for the future. A large part of DBT is non-judgment, which I struggle with to horrendous extreme. Marsha Linehan recommends using a tally system to track judgmental thoughts. Some recommendations are writing actual tallies on a piece of paper, or keeping bits of paper in one pocket and transferring one to the other pocket each time you make a judgment. Well, I’m not carrying a stupid tally sheet, and considering I keep a pocket knife on me, I probably shouldn’t reach in my pocket when I’m being judgmental of myself. So I am using rubber bands. 

What I do is keep 15 rubber bands on one wrist, and move one to the other when my thoughts turn judgemental (if you try this on your own, note that 15 is not a required number, unless you’re OCD and need things in groups of 5). While I was very skeptical of this at first, cause what the hell are tallies supposed to do to help, this works AMAZINGLY. What happens is the moving of the rubber band causes an immediate pause. While I am paused I have a moment to rethink in the ways my therapist has been trying to teach me. I’ve never been able to make that pause before, but the tally system does it for me. I have rethought so much judgment of myself this week it is fantastic. Granted I’m not perfect at it as sometimes I yell internally “that judgment is perfectly justified!” as I move the rubber band, and then my thoughts turn more judgemental and I have to move another. But most of the time it works great.

If we were having coffee I would ask what you have been doing to take care of yourself. I’m seeing a lot of tweets from y’all about your brains being mean and your rough days. And while I try to cheer you up with humor, your struggles break my heart. If I could send you Irish Coffee and face masks I would. But for now I will wish you a braless Saturday, unless you don’t wear bras, then I wish you a shoeless weekend cause shoes suck too.

Namaste y’all 🙏😘

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we’d be sitting on my couch, enjoying basic coffee with a touch of almond milk and watching the birds outside (my son and I added bird seed to the birdhouse yesterday. The cat is having a blast). Oh, but don’t sit right there, scooch a little to the right. I already spilled coffee on the part of the couch this morning. Sorry.

If we were having coffee I’d show you the kids room. Usually it would be a huge mess but I made the boys clean it really well yesterday so I could redecorate. They hit a point last year where they officially grew out of the interests that caused the original room decor, and gained whole new ones. So for the last year, as I silently cried over the toddlers I will never again have, I also quietly collected new posters and wall art for the interests of the amazing and unique personalities they have become. I spent yesterday afternoon making the switch. They love their new decorations and I loved making that happen. As heartbreaking as it is to remove the old, the new fills the heart back up and makes it totally worth it.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you about how great therapy is going right now. I had my appointment Thursday, walked in with a great deal of frustration, walked out with peace and greater mindfulness. I also found the courage to share some blog posts with my therapist and she loved them. I didn’t really expect great feedback other than I seem more stable than I did with the journals I shared with her before starting the blog. But she really was impressed. In fact she has begun sharing my post on misconceptions with others (keeping me anonymous of course).

My husband had his first therapy appointment on Friday. I took him to my therapist’s partner. Not because she is her partner, but because when I met her it was right after they moved into their new office and I told her the fake birds were hung wrong and it was going to kill them. But also that the lights in this office where better than the last cause the light bulbs in the previous office were uneven and it freaked me out. She kindly smiled, fixed the birds, and asked if there was anything else she should have fixed as the handyman was coming the following day. I love her, she totally deals with my crazy even without knowing me. So Friday I took my husband there and proceeded to sit on the floor and color once he went back to her office. She walked out at the end of his session and said “oh, your wife isn’t back yet?” at which point my husband said “she’s right there, on the floor”. And then she proceeded to talk to me like a normal person. Have I mentioned that I love her? 

If we were having coffee, we’d sit and enjoy the quiet of the morning. It is peaceful here right now. I don’t know where this peace is coming from as my home is essentially the same as always. But right now, for some reason, I feel calm in a way I haven’t in a long time. If you still feel stress please take some of my peace and rest in it. I’ll keep pushing it into the atmosphere for you so you don’t have to use any strength to find it. Just rest.

Namaste 

If we were having coffee…

(So apparently there’s a Super Mario Cafe in Japan that makes awesome stuff like this. Can we go ahead and have our coffee date there? We’ll each order 2 lattes, one to drink and one to admire 😍)

If we were having coffee we’d be enjoying some Starbucks cause I have a little spending cash for coffee, but not enough for a trip to Japan, sorry. I would tell you that things are a bit better than they have been. Not so much that life decided to stop shitting on us, but more so that it has slowed down and we’re starting to gain a bit of control again.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that one of my current stress relief activities is playing video games. I haven’t been able to craft too frequently, my mind just isn’t there, so I’m working my way through Zelda Link to the Past at the moment which is clearing out some of my mental demons.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you about my favorite streamer because he is someone I truly admire, though he will never know (considering he has no idea who I am lol). GrandPooBear is a Twitch Streamer who also uploads many of his playthroughs on YouTube. He is currently holds the world record for my all time favorite ROM Hack, Dram World. But it isn’t his games that draw me in. It is his “rage”. When other streamers struggle, many can start yelling. Poo doesn’t, ever. When he hits a kaizo block or misses a shell jump for the thousandth time he does one of two things; he says “fair enough” or calmly states “rage”. Or sometimes there is option number three “ok, that was awesome! Great Kaizo block placement” and he actually means that.

GrandPooBear is the antithesis of my Borderlinr Personality Disorder, and so just watching him makes me feel at peace. His mental attitude is my goal. But there’s another point to this story, and that is Mr Rogers.

If we were having coffee, I would show you Poo’s video promoting the Mr. Rogers PBS fundraiser on Twitch (I’ve posted the YouTube video of it below for you). When he states how Mr Rogers spoke directly to him, and said he liked him “exactly as you are” I literally cried. People don’t say often enough that they like you exactly as you are. We should. We should be saying this to each other because it is true. Whether we have mental illness, physical illness, or no illness at all, we all have something that makes us doubt ourselves. You don’t always know what is going on in the mind of a loved one, so please remember to tell them every now and again that you appreciate them, and that you love them, just the way they are.

Happy coffee date everyone! And I too like each and every one of you just the way you are.

💜💜💜

If we were having coffee…


If we were having coffee we’d be sitting on my couch enjoying just a plain black cup of coffee. Unless you want cream or sugar in yours, I can totally make that happen. But only for you (shhh don’t tell the others). We would be whispering and enjoying the quiet comfort of home, and avoiding the laundry room completely. I went to start a load of laundry this morning and a giant cricket was in my laundry room! 😱😰☹ī¸ I don’t do bugs, but my husband is asleep and I’m not going to wake him up. He had a rough night of restless leg syndrome and slept very little the poor thing. So being the kind and loving wife I am I got over my intense fear of all bugs and placed a cup over it. Now it can’t run away before my husband wakes up. To my defense, I did try to get the cat to kill it before going the cup route, but she thought my pointing at a bug meant to place her head up to my hand to be petted. Cats aren’t very helpful during bug emergencies. 

If we were having coffee I’d thank you for be willing to come here instead of needing to go out. Life has been a complete shit storm right now. My medications are working great, and I’ve been doing self care techniques to keep building those habits, so I’ve been coping better than I usually would. But even still, the constant crap that life is throwing at my family right now is exhausting and stressful. So I finally hit a point this week that I no longer had the mental ability to leave my house. I called in sick, laid in bed, and did almost nothing. My fear of the world took over and I felt like I could no longer cope. Except that I did cope. I took the time I needed to stay home and recover. I meditated and colored. I did crafts with the kids during random bursts of mild energy, and I had them snuggle and read me a book when I simply couldn’t get out of bed. I remained safe with myself, and happy with the family. I call that a win.

If we were having coffee I would ask how you have been. What have you done this week to take care of yourself, or to bond with a family member or friend?

If we were having coffee…


If we were having coffee you may notice how exhausted I am. It’s been a rough week, and instead of sleeping last night my brain decided to screw me over with constant weird dreams before I finally woke up from heartburn. So I have not rested off the crap from the week yet. But in case you’re wondering, according to one of my more mundane dreams blue broccoli is made from the sticks of apple trees and makes a great snack. Brains are weird, and I may need more vegetables in my diet. 

If we were having coffee I’d tell you how despite the shit storm that was the week I was still fairly productive which makes me feel better. I also was able to fall back on some of my self care techniques like meditation and coloring when I could find some moments to spare. I am proud that I have stuck with my therapy long enough, and dedicated myself to what I’ve learned enough, that I could continue to remain healthy through this time.

If we were having coffee I’d make sure you had also taken some time for yourself this week. And whether you have or not, be sure to work it in next week. Even if only a 5 minute breathing exercise, do something to take care of yourself.
Namaste

BB

If we were having coffee…


If we were having coffee we would be enjoying yet more cold brew at home, it is quite delicious. I would tell you how great my therapy appointment went this week. I am in a stage right now where my emotions are more stabilized and, while they are still strong, they are in response to real life stressors outside of my head.

If we were having coffee I would tell you how appreciative I am at the positive responses to my last post. I was very nervous to post, afraid that my emotions would overshadow my points causing further bad perception of the disorder. But I felt it important to share, and am fine with potential negative responses in the future as even those are at least a sign that mental health is being discussed. Though I am glad of the fact it’s been only positive so far.

If we were having coffee I would give you hug, unless you hate hugs and I would give you a supportive high five instead. So many people I know have gone through surprisingly rough weeks lately, and I want to hug everyone and let you know I’m here in case you need a shoulder to cry on or a pillow to scream into. I have an adorable pillow pet who doesn’t mind screaming 😌

If we were having coffee we would sit and enjoy the day, maybe paint our nails with the beautiful new color I just got. I do sometimes convince my husband to let me paint his nails (as long as I know where the polish remover is lol). So don’t worry, you’re all invited to the nail party regardless of gender, and I have two bottles of remover at the ready.
Love you all, have a great week!

BB