Unpredictability of a cat

So we adopted a kitten yesterday, we of course named her The President. If you're not sure why we named her that might I recommend reading "Furiously Happy" by Jenny Lawson 😉

When introducing a cat to a new home you expect it to be scared, hide for a while, take time to adjust, right? This thing walked around smelling everything for about 5 minutes, accepted this as home, and has been perfectly fine since. She apparently is also freakishly smart. When the shelter brought in the travel box and told her she was going home with us, she walked to the litter box and peed before contentedly being put in the box. Wish I could teach my kids to pee before we went places. She also has been trying to drink my frappuccino, by literally putting her mouth over the straw. Huh.

We currently have another cat who's about 10 years old. So we expect her to be territorial and maybe a bit aggressive. In fact the shelter is allowing us to do a "slumber party" so essentially we can help the kitties adjust to each other over the next week, and if it simply isn't going to work we can return her to be adopted by a family who is a better fit (while simultaneously breaking my heart 😞). What is interesting is that she isn't aggressive, she is terrified. She has been hiding behind the toilet since we brought The President home and refuses to come out.

So our large 10 year old cat is terrified of a tiny fluff ball, and the kitten needed no adjustment time whatsoever. Cats are strange and unpredictable creatures. But I should probably stop typing now cause The President is now sitting on my lap and attacking her own tail.

He’s still processing

I could see that my son was stressed, but unsure why exactly. He's 6 years old so doesn't know the words for what is happening in his mind. We talked and I gave him time to process the words while I listened. And I gave him some new words that might help explain his feelings, and make him feel less alone in his thoughts.

He started out by saying he wishes this was a dream.
"Why do you wish it were a dream?"
"I think maybe it should be a nightmare."
"What makes it a nightmare?"
"Um, because I want to wake up from it."
"Why do you want to wake up from this?"
Long pause….
"I just do."
"If you woke up, what would be different?"
"Well, I wouldn't have to eat all the healthy food" pause…
"Anything else?"
"Yeah, my room would be clean."
"Well, you can make that happen."
"But there's SO MUCH. All the toys all around, it makes me like I'm dizzy."
"Ok. Well we can find ways to make that easier."
Long pause….
"Is there anything else that would be different?"
"Well…"
Another pause…
"You can tell me sweetie."
"Well…. my fish would be back."

And that's when it clicked. He's been more irritable since his fish died. I can't believe I didn't connect the two before. So we snuggled for a bit, he began to cry. I just hugged him. I can see he's still processing the loss of his fish and it breaks my heart. We talked a bit more. I told him that maybe he was stressed, and he asked what that means. I described it as when things make us upset in a way that our feelings make us feel dizzy. But not like spinning around in circles dizzy, just an emotions dizzy.

I could see his understanding. I knew that was what he had been trying to put into words. I explained that when our stress feels really big, it makes us feel overwhelmed. I think he understood.

Today my son learned that his emotions have names, and he is not alone in them. Today I was reminded that he does have strong emotions, and I need to help him learn to process them. I never learned that as a child. I have the emotional (and physical) scars to prove it. I will do all that I can to help my kids learn to process their emotions.

Scheduling sucks

So I got chewed out by my boss this morning for not properly documenting something that I scheduled (technically just approved to be scheduled) back in April. Than I realize I scheduled something else wrong, went in to correct it, and got hit with 20 questions on "why are you making changes?" Maybe I'm making changes to make you stop bitching at me! Clearly my mind is adjusting well to my third new manager in a year.

Then I realize I forgot to schedule a time to stop by the pharmacy, but not to worry, I'll be in that area tomorrow for my psych follow up, I can get them on the way there. But if she changes my meds that's a waste, so I should get them on the way back. But if I do that I'll be late coming home and I have to get my son to Karate class. Why did I schedule an appointment on the other side of town immediately before Karate class?

Of course at this point of my scheduling nightmare of a day I decided to stop dwelling and instead take some notes on what to mention to the psych since it's a follow up from a recent med change. My attempt to think of notes went as follows "it made me constantly exhausted which was not insomnia, but still sucked, but then it got better, but than worse, but I can't tell cause I've been exhausted all day, but it's past midnight and I'm still awake, but the dreams are better, but not last night, but I've been feeling, um, better? Same? Um, I don't know, but BREATH DAMMIT. So I decided not to write that down for her.

What I did notice was that I have no idea how the new med is effecting me, and mostly that is because I'm hormonal. Because apparently I thought it would be a good idea to follow up with my psych during my period. Because of course that would give me a great understanding of my body chemistry from the new med!

So I suck at scheduling, and my new boss already hates me, and I'm exhausted… again.

Good night y'all. Wish me a night of dreamless sleep 😴

They all said no

I had a shitty day, but for the first time in a long time our country did not. So I still can see hope glimmering in the future regardless of my inner turmoil in the present.

Today Senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins said no. They will not let their party pass this joke of a “healthcare” bill.

Today the military said no. They will not go backwards in this countries fight for equality. They will let their strong American heroes continue to fight for this country regardless of gender.

Today the Boy Scouts of America said no. They were not supposed to let Trumps speech go on as it did, they should have stopped it.

Today this country said NO. No Mr. President you cannot bully us into submission. We will fight back. Our senators, military, and national groups are remembering their duty. They are realizing what it means to be loyal to the country, not the president. The citizens of this country have been fighting for this country, and those in a position to take a stand are finally waking up and hearing us. They are saying no, no president will bring this country down.

There is still a long way to go, but today was a large step in that resistance.

I asked earlier this week for those of the LGBTQ community to consider sharing their story here on the blog. I want to open that further. Anyone who wants to share their struggle, or fight, or success in regards to equality, let me know. Hit the contact section of the site and send me a message asking to write a guest post.

Wear a turban and twirl like a princess

So my kids met a man yesterday who happened to be wearing a turban. They thought that was the COOLEST THING. Now in part this is because both of my sons like to wear a shirt on their head and twirl like a princess, and thought maybe a turban was like a head shirt. But also because upon talking to him they just thought the guy was cool in general.

I explained that turbans were used to cover the head for cultural or religious reason. Which unfortunately was the extent of my knowledge (I now plan to research the use and meaning of the turban in further detail). But I think my favorite part of this is that my children are not afraid of differences, and they know they can ask me about them. I love discussing different cultures, religions, or ways of life with my kids so that they recognize that the differences between all of us are normal.

People are people, end of story, so find what is unique about each person and celebrate it. Especially when celebrating it is watching watching your sons put shirts on their head and twirling like a princess. Even more amusing is the fact that their imaginary friend named Princess is apparently the ruler of the demon kingdom. Kids are interesting creatures.

**Side note: I did a search of "turban" in the stock photos I like to use and among the search results found this one. And can I just say on behalf of us all "HUBBA HUBBA" this dude makes me purrrrr 😻

Wait, what was I gonna say?

I had a post in my head yesterday and didn't have time to hop on. And then it got lost somewhere in my brain.

I had a post in my head today and it got lost in my mind by the time I got home from work.

I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or the new med or my currently hectic schedule, but apparently my brain is eating things alive. But that's ok, my brain has been far more jackassish many a time, so I'll take the forgotten fog and fluff and enjoy the partial emptiness of my thought process.

So in the meantime, enjoy some washing machine music. It makes me giggle and sing along every time.

Watching him grow up before my eyes

My son lost his fish today. It’s his first experience with loss, and heartbreaking to watch the journey. When we told him his fish was gone he asked if he could have another. He seemed focused on that, on having a new fish. Then his focus shifted to the now dead fish in an attempt to help Daddy get it out of the tank. He didn’t seem too emotional until it came time to flush. He plopped the  fish in the toilet, slowly walked towards it, said “bye bye fish” and in that moment I saw him grow up, just a bit. He gained new knowledge of the world in that split second and it broke my heart. With this new found knowledge of grief he hesitantly flushed the toilet and burst into tears. Lots of tears, snuggles, and ice cream with sprinkles, and he is now feeling more calm and falling asleep. I hope he has good dreams tonight, and that tomorrow he can be a little carefree child again. But I know that to some degree he can’t, that I saw him grow up today and feel a touch of the sorrow that this world has to offer.

Bye bye fishy. Thank you for bringing my son joy through your life. 

Mindful Caffeination?

Every night for weeks I’ve been having bad dreams, and they seem to be getting more frequent and vivid. Nights filled with scenes of war, disease, pain. Watching loved ones suffer only to find myself paralyzed and unable to help. So many friends and family members have died in my arms in dreams, I can’t even recall them all. And it’s not some epic story line, but just snippets. Just the moment of dream torture and then it cuts off and starts the next. 

I can’t get away from them and so try to sleep as little as possible. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to become lucid in the dreams so don’t know what else to do. I am coping well outside of sleep though. Meditating a bit, listening to music, spending time doing crafts with the kids, breathing and releasing the pressure when I start to panic. But I can’t bring myself to do these things in my sleep.

Today was a more panicky day and I had some moments of hiding at work. Today I couldn’t bring myself to meditate, my mind just couldn’t for some reason. I was so exhausted so I sat in half lotus and sipped my coffee. I needed the caffeine, I needed the break. It might not help the mind long term like mindful meditation does, but it helped me get through the day. And now I can hide at home where I feel safer and more at ease. Though I am still drinking coffee, cause lord knows I don’t much want to sleep.

I considered making this title just the facepalm emoji

So I had therapy this morning, I thought it was scheduled for 10am, turns out it was for 11am. Good start so far 👍. So I got to the office and there were lizards outside the office door. So I sat on the bench 10 feet away and texted my therapist “there are lizards outside your door and I’m pretty sure they’re going to attack if I walk that far. I may or may not be able to get in.” Then I discovered I was scheduled for 11am and she wasn’t there yet. But she said she’d hurry, and I said I’d keep an eye on the lizards. 

Then the lizards split into a triangle formation around me and one of them started digging rocks. I freaked out and drove off to get coffee while I waited. Hit a Starbucks drive through and was on my way back and got completely lost 🤦‍♀️.  While circling a nearby airport trying to find my way back to the street she texted me that she was here. I was already pulled over seeing if I could find the address to turn on GPS and so texted back “the lizards were gathering rocks so I went for coffee and now I’m lost” I of course followed that with “I’m pretty sure your office is in an alternate universe” 

Needless to say, my therapy session started in a rather interesting way. But at least my parking spot was available for this appointment. 

Can’t help but laugh

I’ve recently decided that I should stop using the phrase “I can’t help but laugh” because I have become very suddenly aware that it is nearly always towards a person and their problems. It honestly frustrates me that I didn’t think about that before. I work so hard to be sensitive to others, so how did I think it was an okay phrase to use when I see someone struggling?

I was in a leadership training at work earlier this week and during a break was chatting with some coworkers. Now by “coworkers” I mean they hold similar positions to me but we’ve never actually worked together or really know each other. So we started talking about topics from the training, a big one being stress management as a leader. One of these supervisors told me that she is amazed at how people can get so stressed and so emotional. “Why can’t they just deal with it and move on instead of letting it effect their day? I can’t help but laugh!” And in that moment I felt that she was literally laughing at me.

I am someone that needs to be taught stress management. I am pre-programmed to be highly emotional. I handle it well, I am high functioning, I can get through my days with success…. usually. But every few years it hits too hard. I loose my grip on stress relief techniques and have a breakdown. Sometimes I just need a quick stay-cation and med adjustment to get back to life, on rare occasions I need a short stay in a hospital. But I take care of it and get back on track. Why is that something to laugh at?

I’m sure I’m reading far too much into it, and should just shrug it all off like a normal person hearing a common saying, but it did make me think. So now if I find myself thinking “I can’t help but laugh” I will work harder to be understanding of what I don’t know about the person and their situation.