If we were having coffee…

 If we were having coffee we would be hiding in the corner of the living room with the aromatherapy diffuser going. My husband and I have been enjoying a mix of pine and lemongrass recently, I’m not sure the benefits of either of them, but holy crap it smells good.

If we were having coffee I would thank you for your support this week. I know I’ve been quiet. I know I haven’t responded to comments as I usually do. But I read them. I read them over and over again to remind my brain that I am not alone, and that I can fight. I don’t know what brought on this sudden depression, I have yet to find a trigger, but I will fight through none the less. And your kindness, humor, and support are making that so much easier.

If we were having coffee I would tell you how my children have been laughing in their sleep recently. Funny dreams are a sign of a happy mind and a lack of stress. I am so glad to know that they are in such a great state of mind, even if my mind can’t join right now. Sleep laughter is now a goal for me. And I wish the funniest of dreams and loudest of sleep laughs for each of you.

Dark times

Out of nowhere I’ve hit another dark time. I don’t know if it’s stress induced, med related, or just a season of my brain. But my monster has come out to play and it is effecting everything. 

I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a month. I want to release the pressure in my arms. I want to cry and scream and hit things. But I’ve been practicing DBT and self care exactly for these moments. So I still meditate, still tell myself “it’s temporary” whether I believe it or not, and I still try to adjust my judgemental thoughts as much as possible. 

The lack of sleep and the monster marathon running through my head are making this hard. But I’ll get through. I’m a stubborn bitch like that. I hope.

That’s what copiers are for right?

So I forgot my pills this morning. And felt continuously more wonky as the day went on. About 2pm I was ready to curl up into fetal position behind the office copier and have a full blown panic attack. That’s not really considered “professional” though, so I hid in the bathroom for 10 minutes instead and spent the rest of the work day with my earbuds in. Most people assume earbuds means I have a lot of paperwork and need music to keep me going, so it’s not questioned. I made it through the day… mostly… but got home dizzy and with 16 rubber bands on my right wrist to remind me of my failures. Or at least my perceived failures. But it’s temporary, right? The dizzy, the panic, the fear, the anger, the judgement of myself, it’s all temporary. Please remind me that it is temporary. I’m not sure I can trust my brain today, but I’m certain I can trust yours. 

It’s his turn

Life has decided to shit all over my husband and I. Suddenly things outside of our control have all gone completely haywire. My medications and coping techniques are helping me significantly, but my husband is struggling. So it’s his turn. His turn to be taken care of, to try to make it through this season of depression, to lean on me and let me be the strong one. I believe it to be very important that in a relationship you be the strong one and the weak one, don’t just be one side forever, balance the roles per the situation. So I am the strong one right now to let him get through this time.

It’s very difficult though as when he gets down he gets distracted. The loss of focus results in small mistakes that while common, are not common to him. And these insignificant mistakes feel huge to him causing him to believe he is a failure. I see from the outside how incredibly strong he is. I see that while I would curl up in a ball of despair when that kind of depression hits he still follows his daily routine without flaw. I see that he is fighting something his mind is not prepared to fight as he grew up in a household environment of punish yourself for all little errors. I see how even though it’s my turn to take care of him, he continues to do the small things that he knows always make me feel better. 

I don’t know how to help. I understand the feeling of failure and pain he is going through, I understand how it feels to want to punish yourself, or to not know how to get the emotions out. But understanding doesn’t make me an expert. My fall back when I can’t cope in a healthy way is self harm, and clearly that is not something to recommend. So I show my love and try to be there as best I can. But I also know I am limited in how I can help. So we scheduled his first therapy appointment. He will be seeing the partner of my therapist whom I have met and is a wonderful fit for him. I hope he sticks with it long enough to build techniques of self care. He was not taught that as a child but I know will be open to it. I just want him to feel better again.

Advice from my husband

Me: What do you do when I’m batshit crazy. More than usual I mean. Like if someone said “my spouse is batshit crazy, any advice?” What advice would you give them?

Hubby: If you love them it doesn’t matter. That said, hiding is a great option!

Me: Lol, I mean like you love them and want to help them fight the depression and lack of confidence. You bring me coffee for example to show love, but what do you do that maybe I don’t see?

Hubby: I try to give you space, and try to be understanding at the same time. I try not to feed your insecurities and yeah I like to bring you stuff. It helps a lot when someone knows you care. Oh! And humor! Forgot that one. It’s hard to laugh and be sad at the same time.

Hibernating monster

I’ve been feeling human again all week and enjoying this break from depression. But what’s interesting is I feel so much better in comparison, I don’t realize I’m still stressed. I carry my stress and emotions in my left arm. Why? No idea. But that is why it is more cut up than my other limbs, that is why I have to focus breath and release there during meditation, and that is why when I’m stressed it shakes.

So all week I’m feeling fine but having random moments where I can’t stop my left arm and hand from shaking. So I press it against the bottom of the desk while I type with my right. Hoping all the while that no one will notice. 

As irritating as this can be, it is still so much better than before. I tend to talk about my “monster” and how when my mental illness is getting the better of me, I am the monster. Or at least I believe myself to be. So feeling human except for just my limb makes me think perhaps my monster is asleep. And every now and then simply has a bad dream that stresses out my arm. Probably sounds stupid, but for whatever reason it makes me smile and relax just a little more. So I have a hibernating monster in me, and I can’t wait to see how long I can keep him asleep. 

To my employees – what I wish I could explain

I’m sorry. I should be a better leader. I need to always be there to serve you, train you, help you. I should be able to make decisions, and help you make decisions so you can grow and learn. I should be patient, and answer your questions, and listen quietly when you speak. I should be more for you. You deserve more.

But I’m human. And a broken one at that. Most days I can push my broken brain aside long enough to be who you need. But some days, like today, I just don’t have the strength. Some days I’m barely keeping it together. Some days we’re lucky I even got out of bed.

I’m sorry for those days. The days where I snap, I cut off your question, and fail to make any decision. I’m so sorry. You deserve better, and I want to serve you and lead you better. But today I can’t. Today I’m exhausted, emotional, and broken. Please don’t hate me, just remember that I have my bad days. Those days that the brokenness shows through.

Hormones to the rescue

So I had hit the point of dead inside depression (the days of silence, and the first post this week) and then hit the breakdown that was yesterday. Today I’m feeling more emotional and alive. I’m still depressed, still panicky, everything definitely feels haywire. But I am alive again, and I’ll consider that a step in the right direction.

Of course I’m only alive again thanks to my monthly visitor, so I’m also feeling a bit like punching things in the face. But it’s still alive. And just less than a week before my next psych and therapy appointment (which I for some bizarre reason scheduled the same day). So looks like I’ll survive for more treatment, woot! SuperHormoneWomen to the rescue! Name just rolls off the tongue 🤦‍♀️. Time to turn on an audiobook and do some knitting.

And why oh why did I think I should do psych and therapy in the same day? I always do therapy a week after psych so I know how any med changes are doing first. And because I don’t like to speak or exsist after my psych appointment anyway. What was I thinking? Am I crazy? Don’t answer that… 

At least it was a crazy straw

For a few weeks I’ve been basically at my breaking point, and just powering through. I found I could push through the day and then let everything just hit when I get home. Some nights that looked like staying up all night with panic attacks. Some nights was effectively surrendering to a depression that shuts everything down where I don’t sleep, eat, or talk, just sit there lost. Some nights were filled with nightmares, and some just with the stored up tears of stress. 

Today I couldn’t wait until night. Today I faced the straw that broke the camels back. One stupid little thing that I could usually handle, but today was too much. I ran to the restroom and proceeded to hide in a stall in silent tears for 20 minutes. Then busied myself with mindless work the rest of the day. I’m done. I’m so lost, and so stressed, and so exhausted. I worry about tomorrow, and if I can cope with whatever new crap I will face. But this season is just temporary, right? I hope so.

Depression taking over

Sorry to be so quiet y’all. Depression is kinda taking over right now and I am getting more and more trapped in my own brain. It’s hard to speak or really function, and all of my energy is pushed into appearing normal at work before I come home to hide. I will start posting again soon I’m sure, but for now I’m just silently waiting for my next therapy appointment and hoping not to fail at life too much.