Counting down

As others have been counting down the days, hours, minutes until New Years, I have been counting down to my next therapy appointment. I’ve spent the last 2 years working my ass off to be stable, or at least to pretend I am with some amount of calm under the surface. A few months ago everything took a nose dive. Life said “fuck you!” and everything went nuts. It’s enough to add great deals of stress to the normally stable people, so you can only imagine what it’s doing to me. The biggest problem right now is that the issues are as time consuming as they are stressful. Which means that during this time of my needing the safe space of my therapists office more than anything, I haven’t been able to keep a single appointment. Every time I have scheduled one something has gone crazy that required my time and I had to reschedule.

I go on Tuesday. So far nothing has come up that can’t be handled without me or wait another day. I only need to make it until Tuesday. People have been asking me what my New Years resolution is. As I smile and make some non committal answer to move the conversation off of me, my brain screams in response “survive!” I want to survive. I want to survive this time both mentally and physically. I want to come out of this with a limited amount of new scars, no trips to the hospital, and nights with sleep. Even if that sleep is restless and filled with nightmares, at least it is a night safely asleep and not awake and lost in dangerous thoughts of “my family is better off without me” as I sit alone in the dark.

Two years ago I don’t know that I would have made it through. I have come a long way, and my ability to see that reminds me why I fight. Why I force myself to get treatment for my illness. Why I can keep getting up, even when I fall. So I will cling to this hope that snuck its way into my depression and follow it to my therapy appointment. Almost there. Just a couple more days. My countdown continues and with each day marked off brings more hope.

Happy New Year Y’All… cheers to us, and to therapy. May we all be blessed with many good and non-canceled therapy sessions this year.

Broken Heart

I was 13 and you cancelled our plans again, and it broke my heart.

I was 14 and you took me to dinner because my brother told you you didn’t spend enough time with me. You promised to do better. You didn’t. And it broke my heart.

I was 15 and hadn’t seen you in months and you heard from a family member I was in therapy. You called to find out why, saying you feared that you had “screwed me up.” You didn’t understand my depression or how to even try to speak to me about it and it broke my heart.

I was 16 and you tried to make decisions for me on driving, school, and work. You felt being right was more important than acknowledging your x-wife might have better ideas. It broke my heart.

I was 17 and angry with you. Speaking less, doing less, avoiding you more. And you didn’t notice. Didn’t try to bring back the communication. And it broke my heart.

I was 26 and hadn’t seen you in 2 years. I decided not to be angry, just to accept. The decision broke my heart.

I was 30 and trying to give you time to spend with your grandkids. We were pushed away by your new wife who told me to leave. I saw the look on your face as you felt hopeless to stop her. That look broke my heart.

Last week I cancelled our plans, as infrequent as they are. You had been drinking and I was exhausted. I choose to stay away. You say it broke your heart, that I would cancel on you. But why should it take you this long to feel our distance? Why have you not seen the countless ways you have not been my father these many years? And why, upon hearing your pain, is it again my heart that breaks?

What am I watching?

I got lost in the Internet. A dangerous place, I know. But I found a thing that I never knew was missing from my life, and now I’m in love.

Jess Rona dog grooming does some pretty awesome grooming. But beyond that, also puts up addicting and wonderful little Instagram videos of dogs while getting blow-dried in slow motion. And yes, it is what has been missing from your life. You’re welcome.

The instagram is here

Not an Instagram fan? Here’s a YouTube video someone put together with a bunch of clips from the Instagram feed. I’ve watched it 3 times. I’m in love with these puppies. I might be a little crazy.

I knew I would need it

I wrote a post to myself a while back. Knowing my ups and downs, I knew that I would need my own encouragement at some point. I’m trapped in a depression and getting worse each day. So I went back and read my letter to me. I don’t believe all it says, as I knew I wouldn’t. But what I do believe is that it was real to me when I wrote it, so it will be again. The strength and positivity that I felt existed then and so can exist in the future. I just need to wait. I need to continue what little self care I can manage the energy for, and make it through this time.

Hiding away

I’ve hit one of my phases where I want to disconnect completely from the outside world. I’m virtually non- existent on social media. I can barely bring myself to blog. I wear my earbuds at work, or hide in a small conference room. I simply want to hide, to disappear temporarily. These phases frighten me because they can lead to worse depressions with time. So I continue to force myself out where I feel stable enough to do so. I’m focusing on self care and distraction. But that doesn’t mean I’m succeeding at these things. I’m falling much more than I care to admit into this pit of depression, fear, and self hatred. I will continue to fight through. I am mentally awake enough to know there is a better and a worse, and that the better is truly worth fighting for. I’ll make it through. I’m a stubborn bitch, so will continue to fight the monster of my mind.

Failed them again

It was supposed to be family movie night. I would come home from work, we’d snuggle on the couch, drink some hot cocoa, and watch Cars 3. But I got to work and all plans left my mind. While I focused on the mountains of paperwork and hours of analysis and data entry, my husband went to the Thanksgiving event at the kids school. While I struggled to help my team balance work and make realistic goals to avoid unnecessary stress, my husband helped the kids with their homework, encouraging them as they continue to learn. And as the work day came to a close, I stayed. Forgetting movie night, I sat at work to try to get stuff done. I felt so far behind and wanted a chance to catch up. Until an hour before bedtime when my husband called and asked “aren’t you coming home?” “Yeah, just finishing up a couple more items.” “What about the movie? The kids have been watching for you to come home so we can start.”

I failed my family. I prioritized wrong and missed a chance to snuggle my kids. I got home and they were so sad because it was too late to watch the movie. I apologized, they wandered off to play a little before bed but still with these sad faces. A couple minutes later I heard giggles. Went to see what cheered them up so fast. They were playing with Daddy. My husband to the rescue, again.

I love that they are so close to their Daddy, and that my husband is always there for them. But I feel like such a failure as a mother. Tonight I felt that terribly. I still do. How can my work become so important that I lose sight of spending time with the kids? Will I ever have a chance to prove I can be there for them? Or will Daddy always be the one they need?

Conversations with Customers

My week as described by conversations I had with customers.


Monday… Customer 1: “I’m no longer the contact for this account. Please reach out to my coworker moving forward”

Me: “Ok, I have updated our list. Thank you!”

Customer 1: “DO NOT call me. I don’t have time to deal with your questions. So make sure your team knows to not reach out to me moving forward.”

Me: “Of course. I will make sure they know.”

Wednesday… employee reaches out to new contact. No response.

Thursday… employee reaches out to new contact. No response. Reaches out to backup contact who recommends another person. Reaches out to that person who says “yeah I’ll take care of it.” Person, unbeknownst to us, goes to customer 1 to ask for help.

Friday… Customer 1: “Why did your employee reach out to him?! He is NOT the right contact! I told you who to contact!”

Me: “I apologize. We had tried unsuccessfully to get a hold of the contact and were recommended that person. We will remove that additional person as a backup contact.”

Customer 1 “SHE IS HERE! She would have answered, clearly you didn’t try! Why would it take you 3 days to try?! And if you can’t get a hold of her then why didn’t you call me?!”

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Tuesday… documents given to me to process. Need to be completed by end of day Thursday.

Wednesday afternoon… haven’t had time to handle documents. Stay 2 hours late at the office to do them so they are not last minute.

Thursday morning… Customer 2: “Why am I just getting these now?! I should have had these on Monday!!!”

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Customer 3: “why did you mail this to me? It goes to one of my employees, not me. Why does it have my name on it? Now I have to walk over and put it on my employee’s desk!”

Me: “I apologize. I will work with our team to ensure your letters have the correct name moving forward.”

Customer 3: “Well how are you going to address this? This has never happened before, so clearly someone is not doing their job.”

Me: “I will speak with the whole team to ensure we are verifying the correct attention to. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention.”

Customer 3: “This seems like a basic task, honestly. I don’t know why you wouldn’t be able to just put the right name on it. It’s the same address, same suite number. Just change the name. How hard is that?!”

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Stop yelling teamwork at me!

There’s a thing in my office where if you email a thank you to a manager they respond with “Teamwork”. Because apparently that is the same as you’re welcome. I guess. 🤷‍♀️

I understand that it’s meant to be read like “hey, we’re in this together. We’re a team. I’m happy to help.” But the whole trend started from a micro-managing self-absorbed bitch. She’s not being a part of the team, she’s patting herself on the back. And it caught on. And I want to email back a punch in the face to everyone who does it. Thank god we can’t email punches in the face, I’d have been fired ages ago.

Personally I’m a “my pleasure” fan. Saying “you’re welcome” often seems fake since we all know that’s our mother whispering in our brain how to be polite. I used to always go the “no problem” route, but then I had to sit in a training about positivity in the work place and it was pointed out that it’s a double negative, so not an appropriate response. I still use it, just not at work now lol. So I go with “my pleasure”. And honestly, it usually is.

I actually like to be helpful, though still in a self centered way. My disorder often tells me I’m useless, worthless, or detrimental. I often believe people are better without me. I take genuine pleasure from helping others because it proves my mentally ill mind is lying to me. I don’t mind being selfish sometimes, but I don’t need to outwardly congratulate myself on being helpful.

So no, I will not follow the trend of “teamwork”-ing to thank you emails. And I will also not learn to punch people through email, cause that is a dangerous power to have.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee I’d be complaining that it’s not cold enough here to be fall. I want to knit for winter, but can’t bring myself to knit because it’s not fall weather yet. 😭

If we were having coffee we’d be calmly hanging out in my living room. It’s a lazy day. Even with the caffeine I’ve got no energy, and no desire to get energy. The whole week has been go go go and I’m very happy to be lazy. Except that I’m hungry and don’t want to get off the couch to cook. So you’re totally going to bring over some food, right?

If we were having coffee I’d ask how your week was. I feel like I’ve been too trapped in mine and have ignored you. I don’t want to ignore you, you are all so special to me. So comment on your week, good or bad, I want to hear from you. 💕💕💕

Am I really though?

Something’s been bothering me for quite a while, and I can’t answer it for me. Maybe you can, and feel free to be honest. I’m on good terms with my meds at the moment so I can take it.

I shared my Misconceptions about BPD post with my therapist a while back and as we discussed she called me a mental health advocate, or something to that effect. But I’m not certain that is accurate.

I Googled “define advocate” and the definition that came up was “a person who publicly supports or recommends a particular cause or policy.” My blog is public, but I am not. And that bothers me. I stay fairly anonymous, I can’t imagine what my office would think of me if they found this blog and knew it was me. But doesn’t that get in the way of my message? I speak to the stigma of mental illness in the office yet don’t speak to my office about my mental illness.

I often feel that I am part of the problem. I fall into the trap of keep it quiet so I’m not judged. I fear the repercussions of going public. I’m not ready to go public, but I hope some day I am. I want to think I’m a mental health advocate but I don’t know that I can at this time.