Sit down and shut up

Since the age of 10 I have been told there is a limit to how far I can go. To what all I can do. I push to live up to my own dreams and expectations, but continuously hit a point where someone tells me to stop. I’ve gone too far, done too much, I’m not good enough so step aside for someone else. For over 20 years I have fought this. I have told myself I can reach my dreams, I just need to work hard, listen, learn, try. But once again I find myself in a spot where just as I’m learning, I’m pulled away and told someone else will do it. What have I done wrong? No one can say. What could I have done differently? Nothing.

It’s stupid, it’s probably for the best as I have other things to do anyway. But how long can I continue to tell myself to keep trying? How many years does it take before I give up and believe what everyone else believes of me? I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not reliable enough, I’m too slow, too loud, too active. I need to just sit down and shut up. Do what I’m told without question. Don’t try to live beyond my abilities as predetermined by everyone else.

I’m too exhausted to keep fighting. At least for now.

2 thoughts on “Sit down and shut up

  1. Joyce

    Did you experience Childhood Emotional Neglect growing up? It sounds like you might have. You can take a questionnaire here: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2014/08/take-the-emotional-neglect-questionnaire/ My parents didn’t know how to handle my intense emotions, so I got the message to stifle them. I have done DBT and am a lot better at knowing how to handle my emotions now. My parents did the best they could with what they knew. Good luck if you decide to take the questionnaire. I’d like to know the results if you don’t mind sharing. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s weird, I’d never looked into it before. I never considered it I think because of the word “neglect”, my parents were very involved and loving. Neglect is probably the furthest thing I can use to describe them. Yet this seems to be a different kind, focused just on emotions. I scored a 17, but what I think is interesting is I learned by example more than anything. Both of my parents grew up with a great deal of emotional neglect. I think what affected me more than anything was seeing their symptoms from CEN and thinking that their reaction to their own emotions was accurate and normal.

      Like

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