“YOU’RE almost done”

After 3 weeks of go go go craziness, my husband told me I needed to take a day to do nothing. He asked me to cancel my plans for Saturday and just rest. I exclaimed that I can’t do that, that my current reoccurring Saturday activity should be done every Saturday. “Besides, it’s almost done” I stated in an effort to prove my point. He turned to me and said “YOU’RE almost done.” And he’s right. I’m stretched too thin and continuously telling myself it’s okay cause each of these things are just for the season, it’s almost done. My “it’s temporary” thought process may help me fight my depression, but I can really screw with my focus when applied to all of the things I want to accomplish.

So with his words in my head, I cancelled my Saturday plans. This morning I thought it was silly, I felt fine. Around 1pm I realized I hadn’t eaten all day, hmmm maybe the stress has been effecting me if I don’t have my normal appetite. After a light lunch I fell asleep. When I woke up 6 hours later my husband simply turned to me and said “see, I knew you were gonna crash. Feel better?” And yes, yes I do. I’m still enjoying some lazy time right now, and have no idea how this will effect my sleep tonight. But for now I will appreciate the day of rest, the sudden appetite upon waking up, and the fact that my Hubby will always take care of me.

Audio book recommendations

So life is crazy and hectic and exhausting right now. It’s giving off the strange effect of increasing my depression rather than my anxiety or anger like it more commonly would. And because all has gone haywire, I’m struggling to make time for self care, which I desperately need. So I started listening to audio books in the car to and from work in hopes of building in at least that small chance of personal calm and happy. But I need recommendations for new ones.

So please recommend audio books for me. I would greatly appreciate it!

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee it would be large, and strong, and multiple cups. It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks due to life and work. Beyond that my emotional regulation is not doing well. And I wouldn’t be too concerned except for the fact that I had to cancel my therapy appointment for the month cause I simply can’t take the time to get there. But as I took back to blogging after a lower amount of posts the past few weeks, I found that I am not alone. You all are with me, and you understand. Your support means the world to me 💕💕💕

If we were having coffee I would ask how you have been. I find that a lot of people around me are facing busy, crazy, stressful, emotional times as well right now. Feel free to share so we can all be there for each other. And if you are one of the few having goods times right now, please share as well. It is through celebrating the goods times that we remember what we are fighting for through the bad.

Namaste y’all

Bigger on the inside

I feel sometimes like having BPD makes me like the TARDIS, bigger on the inside. My emotions are so strong, so powerful, so huge, that the outside of me begins to shut down and shrivel into a tiny lump in the corner. All week I have been trapped in this. Mostly with anger. I physically feel anger the same way I do anxiety. I feel it creeping around in my arms and legs. I feel it tighten my chest and weigh down in my stomach. I feel these sensations spinning around in me until I think I may burst. But I don’t. My insides have made room for the swirl of anger, and my outsides have learned to blend into the background and remain calm and small. But how long will this last? How long until I explode into a million broken pieces from the exhaustion of my insides?

Sit down and shut up

Since the age of 10 I have been told there is a limit to how far I can go. To what all I can do. I push to live up to my own dreams and expectations, but continuously hit a point where someone tells me to stop. I’ve gone too far, done too much, I’m not good enough so step aside for someone else. For over 20 years I have fought this. I have told myself I can reach my dreams, I just need to work hard, listen, learn, try. But once again I find myself in a spot where just as I’m learning, I’m pulled away and told someone else will do it. What have I done wrong? No one can say. What could I have done differently? Nothing.

It’s stupid, it’s probably for the best as I have other things to do anyway. But how long can I continue to tell myself to keep trying? How many years does it take before I give up and believe what everyone else believes of me? I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not reliable enough, I’m too slow, too loud, too active. I need to just sit down and shut up. Do what I’m told without question. Don’t try to live beyond my abilities as predetermined by everyone else.

I’m too exhausted to keep fighting. At least for now.

Children are so beautifully blind

Been at storefronts selling popcorn with my cub scout this weekend, and his blindness to the prejudice of the world is so apparent as he sells. He speaks the same to everyone regardless of color, gender, or age. He doesn’t care if you’re autistic or going by in a wheelchair. He doesn’t notice you wearing a uniform that says you’re working there rather than shopping there. He even tried to sell to two homeless men over the course of the weekend.

I didn’t stop him, I didn’t say anything. As he tried to sell a $20 bag of popcorn to a homeless man today, I just watched. I didn’t answer for the man or get in the way. He politely said no, my son said thanks, I smiled at them both. I knew he didn’t have the money to buy scout popcorn, but I also knew he did have the right to speak for himself. My son sold popcorn to anyone willing to buy, he spoke to everyone the same, he knew nothing of the “groupings” of society.

I am so proud of my scout, and I realized today just how much I can learn from him.