If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we would be sitting next to a large window at home, soaking in the sunshine without the fear and crazy of the world outside. And avoiding sunburns. Inside on sunny days makes my nose and shoulders feel safe 👍

If we were having coffee we would be chatting about nothingness. This has been a week of ups and downs. Politically things are weird, weather has been weird, and my life right now is weird. My new med kicked in and at first made me constantly exhausted, which fixes the insomnia I guess but still sucks. I finally adjusted more to it and am back on a normal sleep schedule with vivid dreams, but not nightmares. My week was starting to pick up until yesterday morning when my anxiety hit out of nowhere. I was coping fine until I got a call from my mom. My uncle was in a bad car accident and has not yet regained consciousness. He went through an emergency surgery fine and it's just a waiting game at this point.

If we were having coffee we would distract each other with jokes, music, and random chatting. We would enjoy the day off and the lack of responsibility for the moment. Tomorrow we can get back to the insanity of the day, our lives, and the world around us. But for today let's relax and enjoy our coffee.

They all said no

I had a shitty day, but for the first time in a long time our country did not. So I still can see hope glimmering in the future regardless of my inner turmoil in the present.

Today Senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins said no. They will not let their party pass this joke of a “healthcare” bill.

Today the military said no. They will not go backwards in this countries fight for equality. They will let their strong American heroes continue to fight for this country regardless of gender.

Today the Boy Scouts of America said no. They were not supposed to let Trumps speech go on as it did, they should have stopped it.

Today this country said NO. No Mr. President you cannot bully us into submission. We will fight back. Our senators, military, and national groups are remembering their duty. They are realizing what it means to be loyal to the country, not the president. The citizens of this country have been fighting for this country, and those in a position to take a stand are finally waking up and hearing us. They are saying no, no president will bring this country down.

There is still a long way to go, but today was a large step in that resistance.

I asked earlier this week for those of the LGBTQ community to consider sharing their story here on the blog. I want to open that further. Anyone who wants to share their struggle, or fight, or success in regards to equality, let me know. Hit the contact section of the site and send me a message asking to write a guest post.

Wear a turban and twirl like a princess

So my kids met a man yesterday who happened to be wearing a turban. They thought that was the COOLEST THING. Now in part this is because both of my sons like to wear a shirt on their head and twirl like a princess, and thought maybe a turban was like a head shirt. But also because upon talking to him they just thought the guy was cool in general.

I explained that turbans were used to cover the head for cultural or religious reason. Which unfortunately was the extent of my knowledge (I now plan to research the use and meaning of the turban in further detail). But I think my favorite part of this is that my children are not afraid of differences, and they know they can ask me about them. I love discussing different cultures, religions, or ways of life with my kids so that they recognize that the differences between all of us are normal.

People are people, end of story, so find what is unique about each person and celebrate it. Especially when celebrating it is watching watching your sons put shirts on their head and twirling like a princess. Even more amusing is the fact that their imaginary friend named Princess is apparently the ruler of the demon kingdom. Kids are interesting creatures.

**Side note: I did a search of "turban" in the stock photos I like to use and among the search results found this one. And can I just say on behalf of us all "HUBBA HUBBA" this dude makes me purrrrr 😻

🌈 Come share your story 🌈

I am a firm believer in equality. So often I feel that I am not doing enough to support it though. I live in a way to treat people equally, I teach my kids to do the same. But I want to do more. I don't have much to offer in support, but I do have a blog. So I am asking you to share your story through a guest post. Right now I am focusing on the LGBTQ community as they are facing tremendous discrimination right now. The legal equality we have fought for is being taken away.

If you would like to share your story go to the contact section of the site and send me a message asking to write a post. I'll email you back so you can send me your guest post. I'm doing it this way for privacy reasons and also to help me keep organized.

You can speak to discrimination you've faced, support and love you've received, your story of coming out, or maybe you aren't ready to come out and would like to post anonymously what you can't yet say elsewhere.

You will have the choice of posting your name or remaining anonymous. If you have a blog I'd be happy to include the link in the post, or simply send me a message through the contact section with a link to one of your own posts you would like me to reblog.

If you simply want to leave a quick comment here you are welcome to do so. But if you want to share your story or blog I ask that you please send me a private message first because I want you to have your own post. I don't want you lost in a line of comments, I want you to have the space and focus you deserve.

Love you all! Namaste – I bow to the divine in you

Wait, what was I gonna say?

I had a post in my head yesterday and didn't have time to hop on. And then it got lost somewhere in my brain.

I had a post in my head today and it got lost in my mind by the time I got home from work.

I don't know if it's sleep deprivation or the new med or my currently hectic schedule, but apparently my brain is eating things alive. But that's ok, my brain has been far more jackassish many a time, so I'll take the forgotten fog and fluff and enjoy the partial emptiness of my thought process.

So in the meantime, enjoy some washing machine music. It makes me giggle and sing along every time.

Watching him grow up before my eyes

My son lost his fish today. It’s his first experience with loss, and heartbreaking to watch the journey. When we told him his fish was gone he asked if he could have another. He seemed focused on that, on having a new fish. Then his focus shifted to the now dead fish in an attempt to help Daddy get it out of the tank. He didn’t seem too emotional until it came time to flush. He plopped the  fish in the toilet, slowly walked towards it, said “bye bye fish” and in that moment I saw him grow up, just a bit. He gained new knowledge of the world in that split second and it broke my heart. With this new found knowledge of grief he hesitantly flushed the toilet and burst into tears. Lots of tears, snuggles, and ice cream with sprinkles, and he is now feeling more calm and falling asleep. I hope he has good dreams tonight, and that tomorrow he can be a little carefree child again. But I know that to some degree he can’t, that I saw him grow up today and feel a touch of the sorrow that this world has to offer.

Bye bye fishy. Thank you for bringing my son joy through your life. 

Mindful Caffeination?

Every night for weeks I’ve been having bad dreams, and they seem to be getting more frequent and vivid. Nights filled with scenes of war, disease, pain. Watching loved ones suffer only to find myself paralyzed and unable to help. So many friends and family members have died in my arms in dreams, I can’t even recall them all. And it’s not some epic story line, but just snippets. Just the moment of dream torture and then it cuts off and starts the next. 

I can’t get away from them and so try to sleep as little as possible. I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to become lucid in the dreams so don’t know what else to do. I am coping well outside of sleep though. Meditating a bit, listening to music, spending time doing crafts with the kids, breathing and releasing the pressure when I start to panic. But I can’t bring myself to do these things in my sleep.

Today was a more panicky day and I had some moments of hiding at work. Today I couldn’t bring myself to meditate, my mind just couldn’t for some reason. I was so exhausted so I sat in half lotus and sipped my coffee. I needed the caffeine, I needed the break. It might not help the mind long term like mindful meditation does, but it helped me get through the day. And now I can hide at home where I feel safer and more at ease. Though I am still drinking coffee, cause lord knows I don’t much want to sleep.

I considered making this title just the facepalm emoji

So I had therapy this morning, I thought it was scheduled for 10am, turns out it was for 11am. Good start so far 👍. So I got to the office and there were lizards outside the office door. So I sat on the bench 10 feet away and texted my therapist “there are lizards outside your door and I’m pretty sure they’re going to attack if I walk that far. I may or may not be able to get in.” Then I discovered I was scheduled for 11am and she wasn’t there yet. But she said she’d hurry, and I said I’d keep an eye on the lizards. 

Then the lizards split into a triangle formation around me and one of them started digging rocks. I freaked out and drove off to get coffee while I waited. Hit a Starbucks drive through and was on my way back and got completely lost 🤦‍♀️.  While circling a nearby airport trying to find my way back to the street she texted me that she was here. I was already pulled over seeing if I could find the address to turn on GPS and so texted back “the lizards were gathering rocks so I went for coffee and now I’m lost” I of course followed that with “I’m pretty sure your office is in an alternate universe” 

Needless to say, my therapy session started in a rather interesting way. But at least my parking spot was available for this appointment. 

You stole my tree!

Well, not you specifically. And technically it’s not MY tree. And it wasn’t actually stolen, I mean it’s still where it was. Maybe I should start again….

So I’ve mentioned before that I have to park in the same spot (or row in busier parking lots) every time I go somewhere. So I go to my psychiatrist appointment today, yeah? Well most people park on the other side of the building so I always park on the nearly empty side next to a little tree. I’ve been going there almost two years now and have parked in that spot next to the tree every single appointment. Today I get there and and there are multiple cars on my side including one NEXT TO MY TREE. I’ve already had high anxiety all week, and now I can’t park in my spot which always makes me start to panic when going places. So I go into my psyc appointment anxiously snapping the rubber bands I had on my wrist and trying not to sound crazy. Cause I don’t want my psychiatrist to think I’m crazy, apparently? Anyway, we decided to add a mild dose of a new med I haven’t tried before. Non-addictive per my request. We’ll see what happens.

Shifts of mood

I’m shifting from depression to anxiety which sucks but also gives hope. This is common for me when I’m about to feel better. What gives me hope the most though isn’t that I’m likely to feel better soon, but that I recognize it. For so many years I did not recognize my cycles, and it made them more intense and frightening. I felt more desperate and wanted to give up so often. Through 2 years of therapy I am just now finally getting to understand my own mind, my mental monster. I’m so proud of this, and so glad that I stuck with treatment. 


I want to encourage all who face these mental monsters to stick with treatment. You may not see results for quite a while, but stick to it anyway. You didn’t learn to tie your shoes, or ride a bike, or add fractions over night (ok, fractions are a bad example, I’m not sure I ever really learned that). You learned through constant effort. Therapy is the same. Stick to it, keep trying, keep learning. And when you have sessions where you’re yelling at your therapist that “this shit is stupid!” And she asks “what do you want to do?” Schedule your next appointment. That is what you want to do, even if you don’t recognize it right away. Stick to it. I believe in you and your ability to win this fight, and I believe in using all the resources available to you. 
Namaste y’all – I bow to the divine in you