It’s his turn

Life has decided to shit all over my husband and I. Suddenly things outside of our control have all gone completely haywire. My medications and coping techniques are helping me significantly, but my husband is struggling. So it’s his turn. His turn to be taken care of, to try to make it through this season of depression, to lean on me and let me be the strong one. I believe it to be very important that in a relationship you be the strong one and the weak one, don’t just be one side forever, balance the roles per the situation. So I am the strong one right now to let him get through this time.

It’s very difficult though as when he gets down he gets distracted. The loss of focus results in small mistakes that while common, are not common to him. And these insignificant mistakes feel huge to him causing him to believe he is a failure. I see from the outside how incredibly strong he is. I see that while I would curl up in a ball of despair when that kind of depression hits he still follows his daily routine without flaw. I see that he is fighting something his mind is not prepared to fight as he grew up in a household environment of punish yourself for all little errors. I see how even though it’s my turn to take care of him, he continues to do the small things that he knows always make me feel better. 

I don’t know how to help. I understand the feeling of failure and pain he is going through, I understand how it feels to want to punish yourself, or to not know how to get the emotions out. But understanding doesn’t make me an expert. My fall back when I can’t cope in a healthy way is self harm, and clearly that is not something to recommend. So I show my love and try to be there as best I can. But I also know I am limited in how I can help. So we scheduled his first therapy appointment. He will be seeing the partner of my therapist whom I have met and is a wonderful fit for him. I hope he sticks with it long enough to build techniques of self care. He was not taught that as a child but I know will be open to it. I just want him to feel better again.

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