Coping with BPD – Motherhood

I was told very specifically that I should never get married or have kids because of my disorder. This statement has haunted me for over 10 years now and pops into my mind every time I screw up.

My children know I have “ouchies” in my head that sometimes make my emotions weird. Until they’re older that is all they need to know. They will likely never know about my self harm, and only about my suicidal ideation when they hit an age that I need to warn them about the mental illnesses that run in the family and how to cope with the scarier sides of it if they ever need to.

When I’m have a bad borederline day I hide in my room. I tell the kids I don’t feel good because it’s better they think I’m sick than they deal with my moods. But even that pains my heart when my son wants to play and asks first “are you feeling ok today?” because he’s noticed the number of times I don’t “feel good” 

Today I am stressed and exhausted. I’m still getting over being sick plus dealing with far too much at work, and I came home and just couldn’t cope. I needed space but couldn’t get it tonight. I snapped at the kids. I started yelling, and it took time to calm down. Yes it was just yelling, but that can be dangerous to little minds.

I’m fairly certain my therapist sees far more people who are grown children of borderline parents, than actual borderlines themselves. I told her once of all my parental fears and she says I’m high functioning and doing very well with my kids. But I still worry.

There are horror stories of borderline parents. Please be careful of these traps. Please remember that it is not your child’s fault you are having emotional issues. Please be honest with yourself on your limits and give space where necessary. Please spend your good days hanging out with them as much as possible. Please explain your mental illnesses to your children overtime, keeping it age appropriate of course. I do these things and hope that I will not ruin their lives or drive a wedge between us as they grow.