Well that helps the self esteemΒ 

Gearing up for an annual executive meeting. One of the top bosses comes into town to chat with the team managers of our departments and get all our annual data analytics. It’s nerve wrecking enough based on what the meeting is, then add that it’s only annual so you don’t really get much practice. And then of course I’m having one of my lower self esteem fluctuations where I feel like a constant failure. And to top it off I now have some wonderful hormonal zits. 

Ok, all of this probably sounds stupid and mundane, but keep in mind I am combating a variety of mental illnesses. So when my self esteem fluctuates it is EXTREME. Like I want to curl up in a ball and bleed all of my stupidity out through my arm extreme (fortunately my current mindfulness practices are keeping me out of that trap). And my OCD needs routine and consistancy which is completely out of the question this week, therefore making my anxiety go haywire. 

The zits probably should be the least of my worries, but they really do piss me off sometimes. Primarily because I look significantly younger than I am. So when I break out I look like a 15 year old trying on her moms work clothes. Because I look so young anyway I get people treating me like some stupid little girl if they are first working with me. It drives me crazy and hits on a lot of my emotion triggers. I actually learned a couple years back that I should always introduce myself over the phone before in person, I sound older than I look. But I can’t really call into this meeting.

So off I go all week, sitting in meetings with people I barely know, looking like a zit covered 15 year old in her moms clothes, talking statistics that the monster in my brain will continuously whisper are wrong. Wish me luck!

Stages of IKEA

Coming home with your new furniture – “I’m so excited! I can’t believe I got so much for so cheap! The kids are gonna love their new room!”

Building nightstand – “um, what are you showing me diagram? Wait this screw or this one? What board does it go in? I’m never gonna get this!”

Building dresser 1 – “Look at me the master builder! I got this! Look at my perfect craftsmanship!”

Building dresser 2 – “Screw in… SCREW IN… SCREWIN DAMNIT!!!!”

Building dresser 2 (still) – “I don’t care that it’s an hour past bed time and you’re tired, Mommy’s still working on your room! Just go watch cartoons or something!”

The following morning – the kids don’t really NEED new beds, right? The unopened boxes look fine in the hallway anyway.”

If we were having coffee…


If we were having coffee you’d be all like “um, what am I doing here? Can I leave?” Cause, well, I’m spring cleaning. And that is not fun. Sorry. But on the bright side, I have a large chunk of stuff to donate and my house is looking better already.

If we were having coffee I’d share how happy I am that I got through another extremely stressful week with some form of stability. Yay! My medications seem to be working well, and I know it must be that because I haven’t made the time to meditate. So that is my goal this week, to fit that back in the schedule.

If we were having coffee I’d share some of this chicken I’m eating right now cause it is FREAKING DELICIOUS. Wish I could email some to you, but I’m not that tech savvy. Sorry. As we munched on our chicken and drank our iced coffe I would ask “how did your week go? What are you most proud of this week?” Please share!

Why self care is critical

I was watching Joe vs the Volcano over their weekend, which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time. I’ve seen it so many times and love to pull it out if I’m sick, or have insomnia. Needless to say, I know this movie very well. But something stood out to me this time that I hadn’t thought about before. 

You know the scene where Joe sees the huge moon rise over the water? He prays to the “god, whose name I do not know” and finds himself so thankful for life. Remember? Yeah, that wasn’t the scene, sorry, but do you remember the one after it? He collapses at the end of his moon prayer and is awoken the following day by Patricia who is trying to get him to drink water. 

See Joe has spent days slowly pouring water into Patricia’s mouth as she is unconscious from a concussion. So he refused water of his own, ensuring that all his resources went to her. Even as he wakes up to her and she asks didn’t he drink any water he says, no it’s for you. Every other time I watched the movie this scene had its desired effect on me of “how cute, they’re in love!” Because they are thinking only of taking care of the other. But this time something occurred to me. What if she was still a day away from waking?

He was nursing her back to health, and refusing his life sustaining water. What if he had almost gotten her better, but not quite, and then collapsed of dehydration? He would not have been able to get up after that. And if she wasn’t quite healthy enough to wake in time, then her health would have begun to deteriorate again. So essentially both of them would have ended up dying from dehydration.

Granted this is a movie. If their love can have a volcano shoot them to safety (spoiler alert) then of course they can mysteriously awaken when the other needs them. But the point is valid. There are times that we give up so much for ourselves to give everything to another, that we put our health at risk. And how can we possibly continue to push through and give to the other person if we collapse from the exhaustion of not helping ourself even a little?

We need to ensure we make time for self care. Self care is what gives us the strength to keep going. It is safer for everyone you love if you ensure you are healthy before trying to help them. It gives you more strength and endurance, more patience, joy, and comfort. Don’t forget that you have to take care of you if you want to take care of another.

Rats and Cats

A rat got into my house today. My husband immediately began to chase it out with a cane. He did all the work, opening the door, finding the hiding spot, chasing it out, everything. That’s my man!!! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

So what was my cat doing? Hiding under the bed. Although she is now hissing at the corner shelf the rat hid under. YOU’RE TOO LATE CAT! Not that I’m one to talk as I stood on the couch and screamed like the stereotypical princess I apparently am. I think me and kitty are done for the day. We’ll just chill over here as princesses for a while.

Coping with BPD – Motherhood

I was told very specifically that I should never get married or have kids because of my disorder. This statement has haunted me for over 10 years now and pops into my mind every time I screw up.

My children know I have “ouchies” in my head that sometimes make my emotions weird. Until they’re older that is all they need to know. They will likely never know about my self harm, and only about my suicidal ideation when they hit an age that I need to warn them about the mental illnesses that run in the family and how to cope with the scarier sides of it if they ever need to.

When I’m have a bad borederline day I hide in my room. I tell the kids I don’t feel good because it’s better they think I’m sick than they deal with my moods. But even that pains my heart when my son wants to play and asks first “are you feeling ok today?” because he’s noticed the number of times I don’t “feel good” 

Today I am stressed and exhausted. I’m still getting over being sick plus dealing with far too much at work, and I came home and just couldn’t cope. I needed space but couldn’t get it tonight. I snapped at the kids. I started yelling, and it took time to calm down. Yes it was just yelling, but that can be dangerous to little minds.

I’m fairly certain my therapist sees far more people who are grown children of borderline parents, than actual borderlines themselves. I told her once of all my parental fears and she says I’m high functioning and doing very well with my kids. But I still worry.

There are horror stories of borderline parents. Please be careful of these traps. Please remember that it is not your child’s fault you are having emotional issues. Please be honest with yourself on your limits and give space where necessary. Please spend your good days hanging out with them as much as possible. Please explain your mental illnesses to your children overtime, keeping it age appropriate of course. I do these things and hope that I will not ruin their lives or drive a wedge between us as they grow. 

Mindful Dreaming – You got it backwards stupid brain

For the last 7 years I’ve gotten random episodes of sleep paralysis. What typically happens is I wake up too suddenly and am caught halfway between dream and reality. I lie there unable to move or speak, feeling like I’m weighted down into the mattress. It scares the shit out of my husband when I describe it as he is a believer in Old Hag Syndrome. I personally don’t believe in the Old Hag because brains are jerks. So I have no doubt numerous people’s brains would pull a Hag out of childhood horror stories and use her to scare you more when your already trapped. I probably never see her cause I’m more scared of being trapped with my brain than with a Hag trying to kill me. That probably sounds crazy, but let’s face it if you wanted sane you probably shouldn’t be reading my blog lol.

Anyhoo, sleep paralysis doesn’t bother me. I just find something that I am certain is reality rather than dream and focus on it fully until my brain and body connect and I can move again. So yesterday I was taking a nap on the couch (I’m sick btw) and in my dream my husband was asking for something. He said “Babe? Did you find it?” and then I woke up with sleep paralysis and heard him call out “Babe?” So I focused on a picture on the wall, got my body awake, and walked into the room. “Did you call me?” “No”. Great, his voice outside of the dream was still part of the dream. Argh! Got up for nothing!

For the most part this was nothing overly different than any other time this has happened, except for one fact. It only took a minute for me to wake up my body. On average it takes 5-15 minutes to pull myself out of the paralysis. The last time I had this happen while sick I got trapped in this state for almost 2 hours. So to pull myself out so extremely fast was wonderful!

There could be a variety of reasons for this, but I have a feeling that my attempts at lucid dreaming have something to do with it. I am working to be so actively aware of my surroundings in an effort to distinguish between dream and wake. So my brain was likely better to focus easier to pull me out. So while my brain got it backwards bringing dream into reality instead of reality into dream, I still think it’s a step in the right direction. What do you think? Also, do you agree with me or hubby about the Old Hag?

 

If we were having…


If we were having coffee you would be moving away slowly to steer clear of my germs, and I would be thanking my husband with all my heart for going out to get me coffee while I lay on the couch dizzy and exhausted.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that despite a stressful week, and getting sick on top of it, I am feeling pretty good. Primarily because I’m responding to real stress like a real human. My BPD makes that impossible sometimes and I am extremely thankful for the treatment helping me get to this point, even if temporary. 

While I don’t have much to say as I’m tired and out of it. I’ll share one of my favorite songs, which has been stuck in my head all week. And I certainly don’t mind.

Pops*y*cles are lifeΒ 

I’m sick. The kids got me sick. I no longer want to teach them to share. So I’ve been sleeping all day and now I’m in that weird zone where I’m still feeling like shit, but to racing-minded and crap to go back to sleep, and I want a popsycle but already ate the last popsicle. And no matter how I spell that word spellcheck is telling me it’s wrong and that I mean popcorn, so maybe I should eat popcorn. Hold on sec… ok Siri says it’s spelled popsicle, but I think it looks much fancier with a y, just saying.

So now I’m sharing my fucked up brain of germs with you (I share as well as my kids! Go me!) and hopefully I’ll fall asleep again soon cause I don’t know where any of my favorite sick day movies are since my husband keeps rearranging shelves and stuff. Night all! Here’s to us all feeling better in the morning, and to eating pops*y*cles πŸ’•πŸ€§πŸ˜“

Crashing

Therapist “we should work on some grounding and balancing”

Me “I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine being manic as long as it lasts long enough to get me through all the crap I need to get done!”

Therapist “I understand that feeling. But what happens when you crash? We don’t want manic followed by depression. We want balance”

Me “I don’t have time to try for balance right now. Manic is hitting at the right time. There is too much to do, I need this energy. Just let me be overproductive for a few more weeks”

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

A few days later and I’m now beginning to crash. Depression is kicking in and I’m started to get scared. My last episode of depression was not kind to me, and I don’t know that I have the strength for another so soon. So I will meditate and hope it passes soon before it gets too bad.

I guess balance wasn’t such a bad idea. But I really don’t have the time for anything but productivity right now.