One of the symptoms of BPD (and I assume many other mental disorders) is a fluctuating sense of self. I’m in a current cycle of feeling like a complete and utter failure. It is affecting my work though I’m trying hard to hide it. I just opened a couple new positions on my team and need to hire employees. This is a difficult decision on its own for any manager. Throw in low self esteem with complete belief that I did and will fail everything in life, and hiring just became impossible.
For example, I interviewed a gentleman with more than enough experience, looking for the pay range we’re offering, eager to work for our company long term. Sounds perfect right? My boss is on board with hiring him but ultimately it is my decision.
I’m FREAKING OUT! I’m basically convinced there must be something wrong with this candidate because, well, he’s my choice and I’m a failure. So I was supposed to make a decision today and asked my boss if I could sleep on it. He said yes but to let him know first thing in the morning if I will be offering the job.
Sometimes I wish I could just turn off all emotion for a while. Well, technically I can, it’s called dissociation. But that usually leaves me in bed for a couple days. I need emotionless and energy. And confidence. And assurance that this is a good decision while I’m wishing things.
Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith no matter how your brain is being stupid. I can’t stop work from going on, so I will push through as though my brain and emotions are fine. Hopefully I’ll wake up with enough time to meditate in the morning. Should calm my brain a bit.