Why I don’t want to know my purpose in life

It seems like people always want to know what their purpose is. Or the *big* question, what’s the meaning of life? To be honest I see these as essentially the same question. Humans are selfish creatures (that’s how we survive as infants, it’s kinda an evolutionarily necessary trait… I don’t think “evolutionarily” is a word, but it’s fun to say nonetheless). ANYHOO, when asking the meaning of life, aren’t we essentially trying to find out how we fit into that? So aren’t we still basically asking what’s my purpose? 

Maybe I’m wrong, but if so, it’s probably because I don’t want the answer to either question. I don’t want to know my purpose because honestly it scares me what that answer may be.

You know when you’re stuck dealing with someone you don’t get along with? And then some nice person chears you up and says “they’re in your life for a reason”, because aparently you’re supposed to learn how to show love in spite of whatever bullshit the persons doing, or patience in dealing with that kind of idiot. In the words of Galinda “Well, these things are meant to try us” 🎶 

At the age of 13 when I first started to really struggle with mental illness, one of the lies (I hope it’s a lie at least) that my brain told me is that I’m that person sent to be your trial. I grew up in a very religious home and was taught that I had a purpose, that God would use me to do great things in this world. And my depression and anxiety said “well shit! God has to have some stupid people to make his best people better. That must be me!” 

I never told my parents that, or anyone actually. I just shut up and tried to be a decent person. But I still hold this inside. Even now on a rocky journey of finding my own beliefs, even as I wonder at religion and spirituality, even as I study different beliefs to gain better understanding of others. I will not seek out the meaning in life. I will not look for purpose. Because in my mind, how could I have been put on this earth with this screwed up brain for any reason other than to make others better for having to had to deal with me.

So I don’t ask, I won’t. What I will do is make my own decision every morning to try and make this world a little better. I will try to do something nice each day. Maybe my purpose is to screw with others, but if so then let me be a rebel. I do what I want, and I want to be nice to people. So fuck purpose and hug people, that’s what I say!

Here’s one of my favorite songs for when I’m trying to not find purpose, and trying to not feel alone.

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