Coping with BPD – Breaking Point

I share this not as advice but as an explanation. Or at least as close to one as I can get. I share this as I fall deeper and deeper into my own disorders, closer every day to my breaking point.

This is not the end. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to fight. This is temporary, it is a season, it is a flare up of symptoms. This is not the end.

I am not alone. There are others out there with these disorders who know my pain and would wish success for me just as I do for them. I have a husband who is watching over me, seeing my suffering, and loving me through it even if he doesn’t fully understand it. I am not alone.

I am covered in cuts, my clothes hurt as they rub against them, but I have to cover them. I shake constantly, and fight through panic attacks multiple times a day. I forget to eat to the point of migraines. I want to give up. I want to be done with this pain. But I push through anyway. I see no point to pushing through, but trust that I will see it once this storm clears, so I keep going. 

I sleep too much, yet am still exhausted. I eat too little, yet am never hungry. I cry and scream on the inside, but my face shows nothing of the pain. I will see both my psych and therapist this week. Counting down the days makes it easier. Knowing I’m moving every day closer to help.

I am hitting my breaking point, but I will break through to a brighter beginning. I will survive this as I have before. I write this now so you know, it is possible. You can survive. Sometimes your medications don’t work, sometimes life throws too much at you, sometimes you want nothing more than to give up and die. You fear what people will think if they see your marks, you fear your family will leave as you rely too much on them. But keep pushing past the breaking point. That point is not the end. You can survive.

This is not the end. I am not alone. I’ll see you tomorrow.

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