Cycles of anti-anxiety pills

I have an anti-anxiety pill for as needed panic. I took one this morning. The cycle goes panicky panicky panicky “why the fuck doesn’t this work!” To calm, chill, um is she on something? (Yes, I am, but it’s prescribed so chill out). The cycle then turns to exhaustion, and if I get to take a nap, then I wake up with about 2 hours of clear thinking calmness. 

I hit that cycle today and in my final 2 hours I had a choice to make. Do I get some much needed things done on my to-do list? Or do craft time with the kids? I choose my kids. 

I had 2 hours of pure time to watch them work, help them craft, tickle them as they smear glue on me and giggle. It was wonderful. Then I finished us up and asked them to go play in their room. I knew panic was coming.

I sat in my room and proceeded into my next panic attack while my husband sat next to me, his quiet comforting self just being the stable presence I needed. As I began to calm I explained I needed to push through, I had so much to do. “It can wait till tomorrow”. But I was supposed to do it today! I set aside my good time to get stuff done but the kids wanted me to craft with them. So I have to do it now! “You made the right choice. The rest can wait.”

He’s right. The rest can wait. Tomorrow morning will be fine. I made the right choice. I chose my kids. I will rest on that fact as so often I don’t have that kind of certainty on if my choices are good or not.

I made the right choice.

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