When better is worse

This is why I hate meds. It takes so long to figure out if anything is even working. Not just the time for it to kick in, that’s expected, and the psych always warns you of that waiting game. Not even the addition of the time waiting for side effects to clear, I know my body well enough to expect that too. No I’m talking about the waiting game to see if better really is better. That’s what I’m struggling with right now.

Once the side effects went down I started feeling better, then last week I started feeling worse. At least I think it’s worse. When I hit a rough depression I think the deadness inside is the worst, and desperately want to feel again. But when my emotions take a turn to anger, anxiety, and just plain overwhelming, I long for the depression that shuts it all off. 

Currently I am having more panic attacks, and my anger is hitting hard. My emotions are easier to trigger and harder to control. My sleep and my dreams are out of whack. But on the plus, I am able to more successfully meditate right now so that helps a lot to keep me going. 

I’ve faced this so many times before with med changes that need further tweaking so am quick to blame that. But I also have a lot of stress triggers from actual life right now. So is it life or meds? I can’t tell. How do you even tell the difference? I’m honestly asking, and all advice is welcome! 

I’m stuck right now in a cycle of being on top of the world and then completely hating myself. My self esteem is all over the place. I can snap from joy to anger and back in just minutes. I can panic at the drop of a hat. I don’t want to tell the psych and get overmedicated, but I don’t want to ignore it if it’s not just factors of life. I wish my therapy appointment was before my psychiatrist appointment. I’m so confused.

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