So I took an anti-anxiety, which I hate doing because it causes me to dissociate which can sometimes make things worse. But some days I have to. I have to shut off those parts of myself that have overwhelmed me too long. I can’t say I’m feeling better, because the truth is I’m not feeling in general. But I’m coping better and I guess that is something.
Words can’t describe the failure I feel. Something so small and random feels so extreme. One small amount of “bad” news that most people would shrug off has the ability to shut me down completely. These ups and downs are exhausting to the point I would almost prefer to remain down than to fall once again. But if I remain down I will loose myself forever, fully experiencing the failure I so fear. So I will pick myself up again, and once again set myself up for my inevitable fall. Because sometimes I’m just too stupid to know my limitations and when to quit.