If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we’d be sitting at Starbucks and I’d be drinking an iced caramel macchiato with an extra shot of espresso. It’s a warm day and something iced and refreshing (and highly caffeinated) sounds amazing. We would sit and people watch, this location has a nice mix of joggers needing a pick me up and college students studying. I love seeing the dedication of both groups, their hard work is inspiring. 

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that my husband has been sick all week and how it breaks my heart to see him like this. I usually like to hide at home on the weekends, but some fresh air sounds nice today after a packed week of taking care of kids and hubby. I don’t always realize how much I rely on him, but this week it has been painfully obvious. Not that I’m complaining, I’d rather have the extra stress than the nasty bug that he’s got.

If we were having coffee we’d walk from Starbucks to the park across the street and enjoy the sun. I’d ask how your week was. We’d chat and laugh and sit under my favorite tree by the pond. The tree that’s close enough to the pond to feel that I’m truly at the park, close enough to the parking lot to feel that I can easily leave, and far enough from other people that we can talk in semi-private. We’d watch the ducks wander by and the kids on the other side playing on the playground. 

If we were having coffee we’d make a whole morning of it and just relax and have fun, cause you know what? We totally deserve it! So enjoy the coffee, and the ducks, and I’ll chat with you again soon. 😘

My personal truth – blogging

As part of my therapy, as well as my chakra balancing, I am trying to externalize more. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you know I’m working specifically on my throat chakra. The throat chakra is the center of communication as well as connected to creativity. I have worked hard to listen to others non-judgmentaly as part of my communication work, but still need to face my personal truths so I can learn to speak them effectively. So over the next week I will be blogging about my personal truths, opening up more than I feel comfortable because the fact is I need to face it, to face me. So I’m starting with something simple, why I started blogging.

There are a number of reasons; to externalize, to find a community online, to journal without carrying a journal. But the number one reason was because I’m so frustrated with the stigma of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Do me a favor, go on google and search “dealing with depression” what do you see? A long list of sites on tips for dealing with your depression, support groups, medical advice. Now change the search to “dealing with anxiety”. Now you have advice on coping with stress and anxiety, and tips for handling panic attacks. Change the search again, this time to “dealing with bipolar disorder”, many tips and medical info like with depression. But scroll down far enough and you might see a link here and there on “helping” someone with bipolar disorder, something geared towards the family’s coping skills.

Okay, now do one more search “dealing with borderline personality disorder”. What do you see? Link after link after link of dealing with someone who has BPD. On my entire first page of results right now their are 2 links aimed towards the person who has it, all the rest are tips for family, friends, and coworkers.

I once tried to search for support groups for BPD and 80% of the groups within driving distance are for family members of someone with BPD. My husband can get more support for having to deal with me than I will ever receive for having to deal with my own medical condition. That’s kinda messed up if you ask me.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I can stress my husband out, and I’m glad he has support available. But I feel like the world sees me as a lost cause, someone to put up with, someone who will never get better. When I get hit with the depression aspects of this disorder is it any wonder I believe the world is better off without me? The world is literally telling me it’s better off without me!

When I was 17 I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, at which point a family member told me “that can’t be right, you’re not THAT crazy”. So, my husband is the only family member who knows my true diagnosis, to everyone else I call it anxiety. I don’t need more loving help telling me how crazy I’m not.

I don’t like the attitude toward BPD, and maybe I’m biased but I feel that as bad as the stigma is around mental illness, it’s the worst toward BPD. So I made a blog. I want to show what it is to live with the disorder. Not just survive, but to really succeed. I’m not the most successful person, but I have certainly lived beyond the expectations of me. I’m proud of that, and plan to continue this path. I want to show that someone with BPD can live a healthy happy life as long as they’re stubborn enough. And if there is one thing I excel at, it’s being stubborn!