If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee we’d be sitting in my living room, with the essential oil diffuser going, and sipping hot apple cider instead of the normal iced coffee with cream I’ve been going for. The whole house would smell delicious and stress free. We would chat about our plans for Halloween and I would show you the costumes I’m nearly done making for the kids. 

If we were having coffee I would tell you about my therapy appointment the other day and how I’m supposed to be find things that refill my energy and positive moods. I find that so hard most days as I find myself lost in my anxieties, but today as I sit here with you I feel a bit rejuvenated. 

If we were having coffee we would eat chocolate and laugh about nothing in particular. We would play games, tell stories, and giggle like kids at a sleepover party. Today I need to hide inside. I need to stay home. But I’m not so off today that I can’t enjoy some aspects of the “outside” world, and so am on Twitter, and reading others blogs, and appreciating that I can be a part of the world even though I am separating myself from the world.

If my 5 year old had twitter

My son is obsessed with sharks, and I mean OBSESSED! His current favorite movie is a documentary on sharks, and not a kids one, no, a predators documentary. Anyhoo, he’s been begging us to let him watch Jaws so today we finally gave in. We watched with him, ready to turn it off if he got scared. He proceeded to sit on the couch giving commentary to his stuffed shark “Sharkys” the whole movie and it finally struck me how similar he sounded to someone live tweeting a movie. So I thought I’d share my amusement. Here is my sons “tweets” on his first watching of Jaws.

Get her, GET HER! See Sharkys? When you hear dun dun, dun dun, you attack.

The sharks gonna come. It’s hungry it needs to come now. Come on shark!

Whoa the shark got him! See Sharkys? That was a tasty snack for a shark.

That’s not the shark! You’re looking for a great white! That’s NOT a great white you caught!

Dun dun, dun dun, I see a dorsal fin!

WHOA! That is a BIG shark!

You can’t catch the shark like that, he’s gonna eat your boat.

You can’t catch the shark! You’re a fisherman, not a sharkman! *sigh*

The shark is just hungry, okay? He’s not mean, he’s hungry and needs to eat you.

They got the shark. It’s okay Sharkys, it’s just a movie.

Forest without names


In the book Alice Through the Looking Glass, Alice must travel through a forest but everything in the forest is nameless. As she walks through, she finds that she no longer knows her name. A fawn comes by and they walk together through the forest until reaching a clearing where their names return. Alice is happy to once again know who she is but saddened by the fact that as soon as the fawn realized who they were it ran off in fear.

Too often I feel that I am walking this forest. I don’t know who I am, or even who I started as. I don’t know when I will find my identity or if it will be the same as when I started. As I wander the forest I hope to find a companion as Alice did to make it a little less lonely, but I fear that my companion will run in fear once they see who I truly am. Sometimes I wonder if even I will fear who I truly am. Perhaps it is better to stay lost.

The wise guys arrived!

So frankincense was recommended to me for aromatherapy and I finally got around to ordering some last week. I of course got the 100% pure therapy grade, cause the fake stuff just isn’t the same. Anyhoo, it arrived today! So freakin excited! I’ve never smelt it before and it is quite definitely unique… and strong. My cat is not sure what to make of this LOL, she started sniffing all confused from across the room when I opened the bottle. Now just waiting for my new diffuser to arrive, which should be coming in Friday! I’ll keep y’all in the loop on how this helps with my stress and my sleep cycles. 

One good panic attack

You know when you’re having a stressful season and you get to a point where you just need one good cry? It’s like a good cry will release the energy stuck inside, but you can’t force it so you wait as it continues to build. Well that’s where I’m at, except what I need is one good panic attack. I’ve been extremely high anxiety without release for a couple of weeks and it just keeps building. Yesterday was especially rough but still I don’t find that release, so today I woke up with a pressure headache, shaky, exhausted, and basically unable to leave my bed. I called in sick and proceeded to stay in bed half asleep until my husband came in with Starbucks. It was enough to release a little of the pressure to the point I was able to meditate.
I use the insight app for meditation, and I highly recommend it! I started meditating last year with the help of my therapist. I researched it scientifically first and was amazed at the proven results so thought I’d give it a try. Less than a year ago upon reaching this point of pressure, I would be covered in cuts and burns. Today I have no wounds and am finding a little peace despite the panic.

I tend to go a little spiritual in my meditation. I am not Buddhist but find Buddhist practices very beneficial for me personally. However, if you prefer to meditate without the spiritual aspects this app has tons of options. If you prefer to pray instead of meditate, there is also a prayer setting so you can custom fit this to your beliefs. The app has a basic timer so you can remain in prayer or meditation without watching the clock and be brought back by a soft chime. I did this yesterday for 20 minutes and it helped, but not enough.

Today I choose to meditate Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung. This is a mantra for healing with it’s own melody and pose. You can find the melody on YouTube, or in the app if you want to hear it. To do Ra Ma Sa Da, sit criss-cross-applesauce and sit with your back and head straight (I imagine pressing my back and the back of my head against a wall to get the proper posture). Bring you elbows in to you sides and bend your arms so forearms are almost straight up, have your palms flat and facing up. 

In this pose, as I chant/sing, I take a tip I learned to imagine a green light and focusing that on where I am sending the healing, and this can be for myself or others. Today I focused it on me, specifically my chest, arms, and head. I also use my breath in this meditation, bring in breath and healing and releasing tension slowly through the chant (all one breath). “Hung” is meant to be short rather than drawn out, so I push in my belly button to expel the last of my breath on this word. It helped tremendously. If your curious the translation, it’s below. Whether you are comfortable with this type of meditation or not I do highly recommend the insight timer app. Whether using it for payer or meditation it is amazing!

Ra – sun

Ma – moon

Da – earth

Sa – infinity

Sa Say – totality of infinity

So Hung – I am Thou

Can’t come out for coffee today

I always try to spend my Saturday with y’all drinking coffee and sharing happy moments from my week. I can’t this week, I’m sorry. It’s been an especially stressful time, and while yes I have found small things to appreciate, I have pushed myself too hard this week and need to allow myself to feel.

By Friday afternoon as work began to slow, my anxiety from the week started to force itself to the surface. So when I got home my husband went out to get dinner, drinks and a movie to help us relax. It helped a bit but I fell asleep tense and shaking, trying to focus on meditative music and praying the panic won’t affect my dreams. I woke up this morning and hid on the couch. The kids are at their grandparents house this weekend so I had no responsibilities and could allow myself to face the emotions I always hide.

A large part of my focus with DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy for those who don’t know) is acknowledging my emotions non-judgmentally. So I’m trying. I have allowed myself to hide, to skip some chores, to feel nervous. In so doing I have not felt shear panic, I have not broken down into a severe depression, I have not become unable to put away some clothes or make myself a snack.

I was doing okay, and then my husband got attacked by a fucking dog! Now my body is stuck between panic and rage and the bitch who owns the dog is lucky I’m too emotionally exhausted to leave the fucking house. My husband is okay, just has a good bite in the leg. But what really gets me is that this women had no concern for my husband or the situation. Here’s what happened.

My husband was walking out of a store, not running, not stomping, not dancing, walking. Walking slowly and appreciating a day out shopping and the fact that he just found a good deal on a board game my son wants. As he walks past the dog sitting next to its owner, the dog suddenly jumps up and bites him. The owner realizes and gets the dog off of him, then tells him not to tell anyone. My husband has medical induced anxiety and would freak about a bite if not looked at by someone, and he is honest to a fault so felt the need to file a report. So the police came to the store, he explained the situation, he called me at the same time and calmly explained the situation to me, and the bitch (owner, not dog) starts yelling to the police that the dog didn’t actually bite him and he’s making the whole thing up. Yeah, ok, and he poured blood on his leg to make it more realistic, sure lady!

Anyway, they cleaned up his leg, he was shown to be fine, he came home. I’m thrilled that he is okay, but so upset at the situation, and especially the owner. If your dog bites someone, you shouldn’t say it’s made up, or hide the issue. You need to train your fucking dog! Seriously, go to pet smart and get some classes, and in a month surprise! Your dog can now sit, lay down, roll over, and NOT FUCKING BITE PEOPLE. Don’t want to spend money and time on training your dog? Than you should not own a dog! Dogs are living creatures that require the investment of time, money, attention, and love. Invest in your dog or give it to someone who will.

I do want to point out here, my husband and I love animals. When dogs approach with a friendly owner, we pet them. When we don’t know the dog or owner we try to give space as we don’t want to appear aggressive. We understand that dogs are protective of their humans so would never show ourselves to be a threat. At no time did my husband yell at the women, he did NOT tell the police that “something needs to be done about that dog” he simply made sure everything was on record and that he was safe to drive himself home. 

Anyhoo, I’m going back to hiding on the couch and reading. The hubby is chilling in bed watching tv. And I am now wondering if I can get to a Starbucks drive through without a panic attack cause I’m out of coffee at home. Wish me luck.

My personal truth –  Borderline Personality Disorder

I’ve been avoiding this one. As you may know, I’ve been making “my personal truth” posts in an effort to bring more balance to my throat chakra. It is a way to externalize and speak honestly. A chance to see what I always try to hide, but in a non-judgmental way.

This will probably be my last one of these, and it is about my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Before I get into this I do want to encourage you to consider doing this series as well. A chance to speak on a topic that maybe is nagging at your brain. It does not need to be about a disorder, it can be anything. What ever your current truth is. If you do make one (or more!) of these posts, be sure to post a link in the comments so we can all check it out. 

I mentioned once before that for me BPD feels like hand sanatizer on a papercut. That really is the best way for me to describe it. Any small thing gives me a very large sensation. I physically feel every emotion to the point that energy is built up wanting to explode. People say I’m “overly emotional” when they see only the tip of the iceberg. If something makes you sad, it would leave me curled up in a ball of despair. If it makes you mad, I would be furious to the point of shaking, crying, and screaming. I live in a world of extremes.

These extremes make me feel the need to release. Again, I physically feel extreme energy build up with strong emotions. This is why I self harm. I want to release the tension. It is not for attention, in fact no one other than my husband and therapist are even aware of it. I can go long periods of time without self harming if I am consistent in my self care. For me, self care looks like taking my meds on time, meditating 3-5 times a week, aromatherapy (peppermint is my current favorite!), yoga when I can get off my lazy ass long enough to do it. 

The one thing I can’t seem to control even with self care is my dreams, and that is terrifying to me. I am a control freak and so hate that my brain works without me when I sleep. This gives me a large fear of dreams, which is made more powerful by the fact that I am a very vivid dreamer. My dreams play to my current stresses, fears, and extremes, and they do so in a great deal of realism.

The scariest part of borederline for me is dissociation. I don’t get this to an extreme, but fear that it will be what finally screws me over one day. Since normal things create such a strong reaction for me, a situation that would create those intense reactions in others simply shut me off. I no longer feel, at all. I have tried to cut during these periods only to see that I literally felt nothing. I can lay in bed without moving for hours, sometimes days. It is like a deep depression but without the suicidality that would usually accompany a “normal”deep depression for me. I simply turn off, realize I don’t live in everyone else’s reality, and lie down wondering random things like “are my arms changing sizes?” (my husband informed me they were not, but he wasn’t in the same reality, so it can be hard to tell). My fear is that someday I’ll loose reality for good. What then?

While that is the scariest, it is not the worst. The worst is statements like these, “why are you so crazy? Just shut up already!”, “you’re going to make everyone hate you if you keep doing this”, “you’re poor husband! Having to put up with you and your bullshit”, “why can’t you calm down?”, “you can’t reach your goals, don’t bother trying”, “you’re a terrible mother”, “just give up already”. And you know what? That’s me, I’m saying it, it’s on repeat in my head everyday. I counteract it as much as I can by focusing on the beauty around me, the amazing people I see everyday, the joys that I can find. They are out there and I work hard to focus on them. But sometimes the brain doesn’t shut up. Sometimes it has to try to kill me again.

For anyone who has not lived with mental illness and wants to know what it’s like, record yourself whispering “you’re terrible, you’re wrong, you’ll never amount to anything, you’re ruining everyone else’s lives, they don’t want you around”. Play that on repeat, and listen to your voice telling you these awful things non-stop. Listen all day through everything you do. How does that feel? How does it feel to have your own voice whispering what a waste of a human being you are over and over and over again? Now imaging having that on repeat everyday of your life. That is mental illness. That is my depression, my anxiety, my borderline, my fears, everything. That is what I face. That is why I cry. 

I hope you never actually test that, because I don’t wish that on anyone. Instead test something different. Find one thing every day that you love. One thing that makes you smile, that gives you hope. Even on my worst days I try to find that one thing. Even when I’ve hidden in bed for 3 days afraid to face the world, shaking and crying for reasons I don’t know. I can hear my husband playing with the kids in the next room and smile. “I didn’t ruin their lives, and I will get better” I tell myself. My brain likes to lie to me, but when I find that moment of hope, my brain sees the truth. I can cling to that, and it will get me through. Find your daily moment of hope and cling to it.

Spirit animal

Question, do you have a spirit animal? And if so, how did you discover what it was? 

I struggle with not feeling “human”. I feel separate from the world. For whatever strange reason I always wanted a spirit animal because I feel that seeing those characteristics within myself will help connect me to the world. It’s as though having a spirit animal will make me more human. It may seem strange, but it’s the type of thing that goes through my mind sometimes.

Twitter!

So for privacy reasons I’ve kept my personal accounts separate from my blog account. However I wanted the opportunity to connect more so with y’all, so I created a new twitter account. Feel free to find me and connect, I will re follow you all! If you want to connect with each other leave your link in the comments so we can all find each other!

@borderline_boss

My overwhelmed brain

A thousand thoughts a second, too much noise, too much movement. I’m having one of those days where my BPD puts my brain on overdrive and I can feel everything. The Disney movie my children are watching is itchy on the sides of my face, the political news my husband is listening to crawls through my fingers, the lawnmower across the street makes me shaky, the random stream of light coming through the blinds tightens my chest. I feel everything. I want to sleep but my brain won’t stop, I want to distract my brain but everything makes it worse. I should take a sleeping pill but I have so much to do today. All I want is a short nap, is that so much to ask? A moments peace from this highly overwhelming brain day? But the worst is that when I do take a nap it will all follow me. All the stresses will appear in the vivid dreams I consistently have. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Update: after 2 hours of enjoying a nice morning, followed by over 4 hours of hiding on my bed out of terror of… um… I don’t know, life(?), I’ve made it back to my baseline of sitting on the couch only half as anxious, where I am now reading. I can now fake exsistance again. Welcome to a day in the life of a borderline, as this has been a very small glimpse of my daily exsistance.