A project that my team is working on this week is completely dependent upon another teams work. The other team is now 4 days behind their deadline. We are the last step before it goes to the customer, so we are the ones that have to take the complaints from the delays. I don’t allow the practice of throwing someone under the bus, so while I am honest in delays I do not blame the other team. I simple explain that we are working together to get this completed.
As the manager I feel it is my job to take the fall for my team. I don’t pass the complaints on, I only explain priorities and how we will prioritize for efficiency once the other team is done. But that means I’m getting hit with it all, and I internalize. It’s been a few months since I’ve self harmed but all I want right now is to release the pressure from my arms. It’s too much and has been weighing on me all day. I feel too deeply, and when I soak it all in and remain strong for my team, who does so for me?
I did the smart thing today and did yoga instead. I did one that helps release and reminds me to do no harm, not just for others but for myself. Ahimsa, non harm, this has been a critical part of my journey over the last year. While the pressure has begun to go down, the tears are coming up. I want to shut off like I do, stop the emotions and become a shell. But that isn’t healthy either. So I will feel, and I will do so as safely as I can.
Here is my favorite yoga video if ever you are interested https://www.doyogawithme.com/content/yin-practice