Just wait, just survive

Today is national suicide prevention day. What bothers me most about suicide misconceptions is that it is “selfish”. I have been hospitalized twice for suicidality, and you know what? My brain was not telling me to die for myself. The loop my brain goes through is “my family is better off without me, I’m stealing money from my children by pouring it into meds and therapy, I’m a burden on my husband, I’m stealing a job from someone more stable who could take over if I were gone, I’m stealing resources in this world that could go to someone better”. Please tell me how I want to kill myself for my own benefit?

My sister has had 3 failed suicide attempts. I can tell you from the point of view of an outside that I am NOT better without her. I would never tell her that her decision was selfish, but I will tell her that her disease is lying and to please stay. When I feel myself going down this rode I cannot tell myself my disease is lying, but I can tell myself that my sisters did so maybe I should seek help just in case, maybe I should wait before I decide.

If ever you find yourself believing the world is better without you, here is my advice:

  1. Think of someone you love and ask yourself what advice you would give them if they felt that way. Chances are it is healthier advice than what you give yourself, and if so, follow it.
  2. Put yourself in a safe place. I put myself in the hospital because it will keep me safe while they adjust my meds and my brain starts to calm. The hospital is not a magic cure to make you happy, it is simply a way to keep you safe while you build up the energy to fight.
  3. Wait… Just wait. This is the best piece of advice I can give. This is temporary, it will change, it will fade. Don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary storm.

My journal has notes to me from my good seasons telling me that those times exist, to never forget them, to know that no matter how bad it gets it WILL get better… it always does. So I will tell you the same. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how much you think someone is better without you, wait. Wait and survive. One moment, then the next, then the next. Keep surviving just one moment at a time until it gets better, because I promise it will.

Image from http://www.movemequotes.com/tag/you-matter/