I feel “off” today. I forgot my antidepressant this morning as well as my mood stabilizer last night. I hate that one day off the meds can so drastically affect me. Why should I bother taking meds? Why am I so crazy and so screwed up that I need drugs to delete parts of me? My husband tries to remind me that it is a medical disorder. But it is hard for me to accept when my brain is longing to tear me apart.
Hubby has diabetes. It is purely genetic for him. So many of his relatives died early from diabetic related issues that he worked hard to be healthy even before the diagnosis. He reminds me that even with healthy eating and exercise he still has to take his medication. He did nothing to bring on diabetes, and he cannot simply make it go away. So he takes care of himself naturally and medicinally.
He tries to remind me that this is the same. I’m genetically predisposed to mental illness. My older sister has had suicide attempts, and many of my relatives face depression, anxiety, or addiction to some degree. I try to eat healthy and exercise (though I’m no where near his level of healthy habits), I meditate, I go to therapy, and yes I must take my medications.
Today my mind does not believe him, but today is temporary. No I will not meditate today, I did not have an overly successful day at work, I will not eat an apple or a salad and do some knitting. I cannot be my healthier self today. But I also will not cut, I will not scream and cry, and I will not give up. Today is temporary and all I have to do is wait. Tomorrow will be better.
I am ending my “off” day with a Mike’s hard lemonade and a library book. Sometimes I just need to accept the day off.