I’ve been a mess for so long it’s hard to believe I’ve felt stable now for more than a month. For the first time I’m straying outside anxiety release meditation into something more. I have always believed in a link between the emotional and the physical, but always went the wrong direction, such as trying to cut the pressure out of my body, which isn’t a great long term choice (or so my therapist tells me). So much of my meditations have been focused on grounding I wanted to try something new today. I pulled up a short guided meditation focused on the chakras and began.
All was great until the focus shifted to the throat chakra (Vishuddha) and suddenly out of nowhere I began to panic. All the anxiety I haven’t been feeling snuck back in and sat like a giant rock in my throat. I had no idea my throat chakra was so unbalanced! In fact I had never even bothered to research what that one was, other than the fact it was blue.
So I looked it up. The throat is the center for communication, which is about speaking your truth and listening non-judgmentally. It also has a focus on creativity. No wonder it went nuts, I can’t do any of that right now!
I do not speak my truth. I speak, a lot, but I fill the air with randomness because my truth should not come out. Even here, on this anonymous blog of mine, I am guarded. I have told my therapist many times that what lives in me is a monster that I need to protect the world from. She asks me to externalize and I simply don’t know that I can.
I cannot listen non-judgmentally. This is something I have been working on, and thought I was getting better at. But reading that made my bosses face jump into my head. I hate his management style. I don’t believe him to be good at his job, nor do I think he makes many strong business decisions. He is arrogant and stubborn and drives me crazy! But when I put that aside and simply listen I hear something else. He desperately cares about his employees, he puts on the aggressive mask for fear he will show too much (something I understand very well), he will always stand for what he believes is right for his team and customers. I can see he is kind hearted and that I misjudge him, so why do I cling to the hatred? Why do I judge so openly for someone who did nothing more than have a different management style than me? I need to work on this, but am I ready to face my own judgement in order to put it aside?
I am an extremely creative person, but my depression and agoraphobia hit a really tough point a few months ago and I couldn’t bring myself to do any of my crafts (or anything else for that matter). And I have not been able to pick them up again since. I have come back to everything else I had put away, but simply could not grab my knitting needles or colored pencils. Why? When I read that creativity was tied to the throat chakra today I nearly cried. Perhaps this unbalance is why I can’t color or knit anymore.
I will be spending some time focused on this chakra and seeing if I can bring it back into balance. This is my first real effort on something like this so I have no idea if anything will come of it, but it’s worth a shot. I’ll update y’all as I go.