I hate excuses. Giving an excuses feels the same as giving up control, or maybe of simply admitting to lack of control. I’ve been snapping at my husband today. No actual fights or arguments, just the random bitchy moment by me that makes him take pause. He asks what’s wrong and I yell “I’m allowed to be cranky!” because apparently it’s more important to defend myself than to appreciate that he cares.
I want to claim a “borderline” day. Say I’m feeling off and apologize. But it feels like an excuse. It makes me wonder why I can’t control my own emotions better. Makes me wonder why anyone puts up with me. It is also so hard for others to understand. I’m apologizing for the weekness that let my symptoms slip, and ignoring the strength that kept 90% of it inside. Sometimes it’s just too strong to hold in. But to explain that just feels like another excuse.