How still do frogs even sit?

I’m having an off weekend, however my latest medications have been working extremely well. So I am coping, and in process building patterns to hopefully help the next time I no longer feel the ability to go on.

Despite the medicinal help, the turmoil is still there and it is increasing the stress of the household. I heard my kids arguing and felt bad that my stress may be feeding into theirs so decided to pull out our handy dandy frog meditations. I’ve been going through the book “Sitting Still Like a Frog” which is meant to help children with the basics of mindful meditation. It comes with a CD of guided meditations that are really good.

This was our first time trying “First Aid for Unpleasant Feelings” and it turned out to be exactly what we needed. My younger son practiced his sitting straight and focusing on his breath which always makes him feel good. My older son listened more to the guiding and learned where he was feeling his emotions and focused his breath there. I was the one who really needed to learn from this one though.

My therapist and I have been working on my ability to acknowledge my feelings non-judgmentally, and this is exactly what the focus on this meditation was. This is the hardest thing for me to do. I want to change my feelings, I want to fix what I consider to be the non-human aspects of myself. When I get stressed I believe myself to be a monster who must be hidden from the world and controlled. But today I focused on simply acknowledging that the stress is there, and in so doing the emotions feel a little less strong and a little more human. Or perhaps a little more frog-like.

frog

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Excuses

I hate excuses. Giving an excuses feels the same as giving up control, or maybe of simply admitting to lack of control. I’ve been snapping at my husband today. No actual fights or arguments, just the random bitchy moment by me that makes him take pause. He asks what’s wrong and I yell “I’m allowed to be cranky!” because apparently it’s more important to defend myself than to appreciate that he cares.

I want to claim a “borderline” day. Say I’m feeling off and apologize. But it feels like an excuse. It makes me wonder why I can’t control my own emotions better. Makes me wonder why anyone puts up with me. It is also so hard for others to understand. I’m apologizing for the weekness that let my symptoms slip, and ignoring the strength that kept 90% of it inside. Sometimes it’s just too strong to hold in. But to explain that just feels like another excuse.