Conversations with my Therapist

“I worked my ass off and it’s so frustrating that there was nothing I could do to make it better!”

“Have we discussed radical acceptance?”

“I hate radical acceptance! I want to control everything!”

———–

“I’m still struggling with my agoraphobia and am not sure what to do.”

“Maybe start with a small step. For example, next time you go to the store park in a different row than the one you always park in.”

*look of utter terror*

———–

“You’re light bulbs are uneven”

“Yeah, I don’t much like those lights”

“No seriously, one side is longer than the other. Those are the worst light bulbs! WHY WOULD SOMEONE MAKE THOSE?!”

“Huh, I never noticed one side was longer”

“Oh my god I’m never looking up in here again!”

———–

“So those are the steps I’ve taken to balance my throat chakra but the progress is slow. What can I do to get this balanced fast?”

“It didn’t close overnight, it’s not going to balance overnight. Have patience”

“Well that’s dumb”

———–

Today my armor feels heavy

Every morning I put on my armor. Not the armor you might expect, but the one that suits me well. I apply dark mascara and nude lipstick that forces you to look me in the eye so all will know I control the meeting or presentation, the high heels that make my walk more confident and powerful, the no-nonsense slacks with the cute blouse that adds the touch of friendly to the strong.

I wear this armor to protect myself as I stand for my team. I make myself available to be yelled at by customers, complained at by stressed employees, and to still walk in a room and demand respect. As I take on everyone’s frustration I push off all praise. Praise belongs to my team, give your compliments to them, I will too. I wear this armor as I coach employees, or inform customers of decisions we needed to make. I use the armor to protect me, to be that small level of seperation so I am not overwhelmed by the work I must do.

Every morning I put on my armor believing it will protect me. The strength it is faking for me will guard my heart and mind so I can take whatever comes my way. Every evening I come home and remove the armor to find that it held everything in instead of keeping it out. I remove the makeup and find a young lost women with exhausted eyes trying not to cry. The heels fall to the floor exposing my calloused unpedicured feet that feel the pain of walking through the stress of the day. The slacks and blouse are traded for yoga pants and a tank top so I can curl up in a ball on the couch and feel my heart break for the tough conversations I’ve had to have, or the difficult decisions yet to make. I take off my armor to see it didn’t protect me at all. And yet every morning I wake up and once again put on my armor. Because what other choice do I have?

I wear my confidence in my heels

When I’m lacking confidence I wear heels. Something about being forced to stand straighter, and knowing that I can’t hide as I *click *click down the tile hall. It makes me feel that I can show confidence whether I actually have it or not. Maybe if I pretend long enough it will become real. I have a feeling I’ll be wearing a lot of heels this week.

What’s your trick? Is there something specific you wear, or do, to show confidence when it doesn’t come naturally?

If we were having coffee


If we were having coffee it would be of the Irish variety. We would turn up some music, dance, laugh, and enjoy a stress free morning. I would tell you how much I appreciate your support this week, and how thankful I am to see your smiling face.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that after a long hard week I finally feel at peace about some tough decisions I needed to make, and that I am ready to take on the next week. I have made some progress with balancing my throat chakra, and hope to be able to craft a bit this week. I also am swapping the frozen junk microwave lunches of delicious with fresh fruit, veg, and protein homemade lunches of delicious for work. I hope to feel better and stronger both mentally and physically with these small changes.

If we were having coffee I would say thank you. Thank you for stopping by, for putting up with me, for being a part of my life. I do see you. I see your face pop up as a visitor here, I see you and recognize your name. I see your blog as well and know that you understand these struggles, though your journey is just as unique as mine. And for that I am forever grateful. 

Thank you for sharing coffee with me, and I look forward to our new adventures this week. 
Namaste – I bow to the divine in you

Papercut in the brain

You know when you get a papercut and forget about it until you use some hand sanitizer and then it’s like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT BATMAN!” Because nothing that small should feel that strongly? Yeah, that’s borderline personality disorder in a nutshell. The tiniest little thing feels extreme. I do something insignificant in a less than perfect way and the world is ending. The emotional center of my brain is one giant papercut and the entirety of the world is hand sanatizer.


It’s been a rough day, and as my mind blows everything out of proportion I find the need to get lost in something. So I’m listening to music. Wanna know the strange mismatch of music my brain is craving? You’re welcome to check out my playlist “Day Off” on Spotify, a handful of my favorite songs for days I’m feeling off.

TMI alert

So I had an OCD flare this afternoon at work and my brain basically forced me to stop all work, all effectiveness, and reorganize my entire cube… and aspects of some of my employees cubes. Yikes! I am very cautious to ensure no one at work knows about my BPD or agoraphobia, but I don’t really mind them knowing my OCD and they find it fairly amusing. But then on the way home from work I had a panic attack and everything in me wanted to hide. Got home thinking “what the fuck is wrong with me today?!” And then started my period. Sigh. Guess I know what’s going on, guess it’s going to be a more hormonal month. So I’m practicing self care and doing a face mask right now. I will spend more time in meditation this week and listen to calming music. More hormonal months than usual tend to induce a lot of panic, and I really don’t have the time for that.

Some advice to y’all: if your short on time, make the time for self care. Panic and stress takes more energy, more time, and more focus than self care ever will. 

Balancing my throat chakra

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am needing to balance my throat chakra which I discovered was all out of whack. Feel free to check out the original post here The Vishuddha Blues.

The first step I took was to research the chakra more. To learn what I can about it. The next step for me was meditation. I found some meditation music specifically created for the throat chakra and set a 20 minute timer. I focused on breathing white light from the ground, I see this as the energy of the universe that I am pulling from (I’ll bet you didn’t even know I was a Jedi). The light starts moving its way up my spine, hitting each chakra in turn until it gets to the throat. 

At the throat it stops and works to light up the chakra blue. If I struggle to light the chakra, I breath space into the throat and breath out the tension in it. Than I start again with the white light. By the end of 20minutes I did feel a bit more relaxed, more able to listen patiently, and the light of that chakra was glowing a bit brighter than when it started. 

This is my first time focusing to balance a specific chakra, so I’m diving in nearly blind. I will continue to share my journey with you in case you want to try some of these techniques too. If you have experience balancing your own chakras, please leave a comment on what you do so I can try it out too. Can’t wait to hear all your recommendations! 
Namaste

Socks are evil… Apparently 

I’m trying to get some work done before I have to hit the office tomorrow. My cat is also working hard attacking random items in the living room. She has effectively killed my sock just now. Thank you fluff butt for saving me from the evil ways of the toes-warmer. I am forever in your debt. 

If we were having coffee…


If we were having coffee, we’d brew some at home and sit on my couch with giant mugs and the blueberry muffins I made this week. I would tell you my oldest son is doing great at school, and that we received a note from his teacher on how good of a student he is. I would tell you how my younger son picked me flowers while out walking with my husband this week.

I’d ask you how your week went, and if anything made you laugh. And we would laugh together. I would tell you about me and a coworker trying to learn how to replace the monthly events poster on the wall at work and that it took far longer than expected because “I can’t make it screw, the thing won’t go in!” And how we laughed at how ridiculous we looked and sounded in that moment. 

If we were having coffee, I would remind you that coffee breaks are my moments of happy. And that I want to remember the best parts of my week to share them with you. I would tell you that my husband and I pre-qualified for a home loan this week and that we will start looking at homes this weekend. We are beyond excited, and our son has put in his request for stairs, which we plan to accommodate. 

We would sit on this couch for hours laughing, enjoying the muffins, and listening to my neighbors. The ones with the adorable 2 year old daughter who runs over to my window to say hi everyday. And I would ask you “what was your favorite part of the week?”

Mama bird

I received a letter from a previous employee today. An adorable handwritten note thanking me for believing in her and helping her in her career. She worked so hard to receive her promotion, and I am so glad to have been even a small part of that. She will probably never know just how much her letter meant to me, or how proud I will always be of her. This is the best part of management, watching my little birds fly away to experience the amazing things that they will find on their own path.