I’m a liar and manipulater… apparently

My husband likes to listen to a podcasts when he struggling to sleep. He was listening to one this afternoon while we tried to nap and a chick was interviewing some dude who is a lie expert. Like one of the people who’s job is to detect if you’re lying I guess? I missed the beginning where she introduced him, sorry. 

Anyhoo, she was asking questions about situations where it might make it harder to detect. She asked at one point “what about people with mental illness like Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder who are constant liars and manipulators. Wouldn’t it be harder to tell as they lie so frequently and easily?” My husband and I got a good chuckle and some snarky comments in before hearing the dudes answer. “Well, there are a lot of things that need to be taken into consideration…” and listed off numerous things. He obviously didn’t see mental illness the same way she did, to him it was no different than looking at differences between left handed and right handed people (which apparently is a real thing in lie detection, weird). He also refused to categorize Bipolar and BPD with pathological liars. 

I learned a few things today as I heard that. One, my husband is wonderful and trusts me despite being both bipolar and borderline. Two, there are highly intelligent and vocal people in this world that still proceed to spread misinformation on mental illness. And three, there are highly intelligent people who know better than that.

Guess what y’all, I’m not a constant liar and manipulater. The closest I am to that description is a mask wearer. I wear a mask to hide my mental disorders because of the people like this women who speak to the horrors of my illness and spread the idea that I am not to be trusted. 

I shouldn’t be on Google

My husband had some abnormalities in some recent blood tests. The doctor has shown concern and is requesting a number of other tests, x-rays, and sending him to a specialist for further analysis. We both hang on to this unspoken fear of what will be discovered. We both have tried not to jump to conclusions. But it’s hard. When the symptoms and test results and future scheduled tests match descriptions of what happens when diagnosing some very serious illnesses, it’s hard not to google search for answers. To see if there are other less serious concerns, to see how frightened we should be.

Neither of us speak of our fears. We put no labels to the potential diagnosis we see. We continue on with life as normal, trying to put the concern and stress aside until the Doctor says more. I wish the tests would be done and we would have answers. I’m tired of the brave face needed while constantly assuring my husband “don’t worry, they’re just ruling stuff out.” But for now I wait. And try to stop myself from google search symptoms and tests. I doesn’t do any good, so I need to patiently wait for the doctor to speak.

Advice from my husband

Me: What do you do when I’m batshit crazy. More than usual I mean. Like if someone said “my spouse is batshit crazy, any advice?” What advice would you give them?

Hubby: If you love them it doesn’t matter. That said, hiding is a great option!

Me: Lol, I mean like you love them and want to help them fight the depression and lack of confidence. You bring me coffee for example to show love, but what do you do that maybe I don’t see?

Hubby: I try to give you space, and try to be understanding at the same time. I try not to feed your insecurities and yeah I like to bring you stuff. It helps a lot when someone knows you care. Oh! And humor! Forgot that one. It’s hard to laugh and be sad at the same time.

Habits in good times and bad

Engrossed myself in my computer so no one would question it when I didn’t speak. Waited for everyone else to leave so I wouldn’t need to chat with them as we left together. Walked around the outside of the building, through basically the entire parking lot just so I wouldn’t walk past people I knew would say hi as I passed their desk.

Sometimes even when you feel better, you don’t. The panic, the struggles, the monster whispering lies, they are all still there. They are quieter, less noticeable, less exhausting. But they are still there. But the way I see it, if my habits from rough times bleed through to easier times, then shouldn’t it also work the other way? If I will go out of my way to not talk to people during mild panic because it’s habit from times of strong panic, then I should be able to go out of my way to drink herbal tea and knit out of self care during strong panic because it’s habit from times of mild panic?

I will continue to build better habits, and to focus on increasing those rather than decreasing others. After all, who ever said I can’t occasionally put a great deal of effort into avoiding conversations?

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee I’d wish you a Happy Easter if you celebrate that, and a Happy iced coffee Sunday if you don’t. I am celebrating iced coffee Sunday with some of my cold brew, chocolate syrup and a pinch of half and half (I’ll bet you didn’t even know you can pinch half and half!)

If we were having coffee you’d probably laugh at the fact that I’m drinking out of a beer stein. I don’t use reusable straws for anything other than water and don’t want to buy disposable ones, so beer stein it is! Cheers! 🍻 

If we were having coffee you might mention that I’ve been very quiet lately. I’ve been spending some time on self care, trying to rebuild habits I lost when I went through my most recent depression. It’s going well and I will be chatting more soon. But this was some much needed me time, and I’m glad I took it. I would also mention that I want you to take some self care time too. Please remember that self care is NOT selfish, it is necessary. 

If we were having coffee we’d sit and laugh and chat for hours. If you are going to an Easter church service, don’t worry, I’ll wait for you. They best part of cold brew coffee is it stays sweet no matter how long it sits. Your coffee will be delicious whenever you are able to arrive. And if it’s not until night and you don’t want caffeine, I have tea as well. Anything for you my friend. 

Have a wonderful Self Care/Easter/Iced Coffee Sunday!

Love you all, BB

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee you’d be like “um, BB? Isn’t it a bit late for coffee? Isn’t it like the middle of the night?” And I’d be all “BLASPHEMY! IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR COFFEE” because, well, I’m on a coffee high. Because apparently my idea of “treating” insomnia is coffee and nachos. I’m smart sometimes.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you about how this is the first week in a while I’ve felt a great deal of release. I’m trying to get back in good habits of self care in hopes that it will stay strong next time my meds become a jerk again. I’d remind you that all things are temporary, so I am so glad to take this moment of happiness and share it with you. 

If we were having coffee I would ask you how you’ve been, and I would listen. Just sit and listen. I was trapped in my head too long, and I miss you. I want to hear from you. Please feel free to share your week with me in the comments 😘
With Love, BB

Hibernating monster

I’ve been feeling human again all week and enjoying this break from depression. But what’s interesting is I feel so much better in comparison, I don’t realize I’m still stressed. I carry my stress and emotions in my left arm. Why? No idea. But that is why it is more cut up than my other limbs, that is why I have to focus breath and release there during meditation, and that is why when I’m stressed it shakes.

So all week I’m feeling fine but having random moments where I can’t stop my left arm and hand from shaking. So I press it against the bottom of the desk while I type with my right. Hoping all the while that no one will notice. 

As irritating as this can be, it is still so much better than before. I tend to talk about my “monster” and how when my mental illness is getting the better of me, I am the monster. Or at least I believe myself to be. So feeling human except for just my limb makes me think perhaps my monster is asleep. And every now and then simply has a bad dream that stresses out my arm. Probably sounds stupid, but for whatever reason it makes me smile and relax just a little more. So I have a hibernating monster in me, and I can’t wait to see how long I can keep him asleep. 

Some days you just need cute

Some days you’re feeling better but not use to feeling better. Some days you’re just exhausted. Some days you want to enjoy this momentary calm and happiness but don’t have the energy for anything special. So on those days you watch something that makes you go “awwwww cute!” Like baby sloths taking a bath.

If we were having coffee…

If we were having coffee you might mention that it’s been a few weeks since we had coffee together. And for that I am sorry.

If we were having coffee we would be hiding at home as I am still pulling myself out of a deep depression. But I would be healthier and chattier and able to enjoy the day with you. 

If we were having coffee I would share with you how excited I am that I received some craft stuff in the mail. I ordered it a while ago, before the depression hit, and am so happy it arrived yesterday like a congrats from the universe that I will have the mental power to use it this weekend. And the best part? It’s crafts I can do with the kids 😁

If we were having coffee I would ask how you have been and if you’ve been making time for self care. I hope you have.

Enjoy your coffee all 😌

To my employees – what I wish I could explain

I’m sorry. I should be a better leader. I need to always be there to serve you, train you, help you. I should be able to make decisions, and help you make decisions so you can grow and learn. I should be patient, and answer your questions, and listen quietly when you speak. I should be more for you. You deserve more.

But I’m human. And a broken one at that. Most days I can push my broken brain aside long enough to be who you need. But some days, like today, I just don’t have the strength. Some days I’m barely keeping it together. Some days we’re lucky I even got out of bed.

I’m sorry for those days. The days where I snap, I cut off your question, and fail to make any decision. I’m so sorry. You deserve better, and I want to serve you and lead you better. But today I can’t. Today I’m exhausted, emotional, and broken. Please don’t hate me, just remember that I have my bad days. Those days that the brokenness shows through.